Warning: as nearly always with my diary, this entry is super-sweary.

Saturday, March 22nd, 2025 [Extract]

[CONTEXT: Some lead up about the Substack piece I’d posted the night before, called “My Viral Note Brings All the Butthurt Boys to the Yard.”]

It has gone very well though, as I had rather hoped it would, being a feisty funny feminist piece. Yes, of course there was a casualty, and I'm a little sorry about that. But he did make me fucking angry last week and pursued me in the maddest and scariest way (for a woman who has had had her fill of aggressive men and unwanted male attention) so it can't be said that he didn't deserve it. Yes, he has obvious mental health issues, and was fucking obsessive, but it's really unpleasant and scary to be on the other end of that, and I completely excuse myself.

I'd thought he'd given up,and then he popped back up on Wednesday with "Just Esther" (day 4) and though I'd given him a chance to be reasonable, he absolutely hadn't taken it, and had compar…

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Welcome to the Secret Diary Club!

Just one entry today. Because it’s the most vulnerable piece I’ve posted here and it doesn’t go with anything else. No theme. Just: this the process that takes me from the darkness into the light.

Sometime it takes me a long time to get down to actual “work” because working on myself takes precedence. Without working on myself, I wouldn’t have a lot of work worth sharing. I take personal growth seriously. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, or “tapping”) has been at the core of my daily self-care/personal-growth routine since summer 2007. It genuinely changed my life and made everything else (my writing career, my PhD, a happy homelife) possible.

Remember, what’s shared in Secret Diary Club Stays in Secret Diary Club!

Friday 18th October 2024

Context: I was in a high, bright mood on Thursday evening, after a monthly Zoom catch-up with one of my Substack Inner Circle members (thanks, Stuart!) and a productive week About 9pm I checked my emails and something I received triggered me into a state of high anxiety. I tapped to reduce it, but there were bigger issues at play.

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Funny: for years you get paid to assess things (student work mostly) and in the absence of that, you find you are critically assessing (comparing and contrasting) everything. Or that’s how it seemed when I looked over the last fortnight’s entries. Indeed, I didn’t dip further back in the archives this time, because the theme was all here. I assess two plays, both of them in relation to several others, an overnight rental, and a vehicle. This is what happens when you live enough life I guess. You have a bigger store of experiences and it takes more and more to impress you!

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Very seriously, these are definitely my private thoughts and NOT reviews. In fact I don’t do reviewing, because I don’t like publicly sitting in judgement. It’s always just a personal opinion.

Saturday 5th October 2024

[Extract]

Context: 24 years after his live-in bus was burned to the ground because he was spending too much time with me, my husband has the funds (following his father’s death) to get himself a new van. Thursday would have been my first day back teaching after the summer break, had I not been redundant.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries — one from this week, one from 2022 and one from 2006, all contain the word ‘gift’. It was pretty much the structuring feature of this week’s, so I did a search for the word in other journal entries. The second contains passionate thoughts on a couple of novels (and writing style) plus teaching; the third discusses in depth the writing of the poem “What Blue Is” as well as wandering into the kind of territory that led me to this week’s Friday post.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Thursday 19th Sept

Context: Officially, I was made redundant from Goldsmiths at the end of July. It was long past time that I went in to clear out my office. The ‘stitch fairy’ is an aspect of the app “750 words” that allows you to skip a day (it stitches your streak) so long as you write a double-sized entry the next day. So this is 1500 words. All the names mentioned are current and former members of the Goldsmiths English Department; professors Frank and Lucia were both, like me, ousted in the senior staff clearout.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries are all short extracts from the last fortnight. It just amused me that they featured three different kinds of prick; sorry, could not resist. Also, is that *any* kind of present to give your mother? Yes, it is.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Tuesday 27th August

[Extract]

Context: I am doing research for a project I can’t talk about publicly. Names have been changed to letters of the alphabet where leaving them in would cause me problems.

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This week’s behind-the-scenes entries are a day late because. And I apologise. Fortunately, it is a Bank Holiday here in the UK, so I can pretend it’s still Sunday. This week’s entries include me getting annoyed about stupid people on Facebook and, eight years earlier, annoyed by a self-published author taunting me on Twitter for not being a full-time writer. And in between, getting annoyed by a haircut.

What’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

I think pockets of annoyance really stand out to me now because I have cleared so much of my historical (understandable) anger. At least I am aware of them, I guess. I am still working on being a more peaceful person, but it is a lifelong project.

Monday 26th August 2024

[Extract]

Context: I’ve had arthritis in my hands (and other places, but the hands are the biggest problem) for about five years now. I am aware that mind-body-spirit-wise, arthritis is connected chiefly (if not solely) to anger. Tapping = EFT, my daily emotional clearance go-to.

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This week’s behind-the-scenes entries include two consecutive entries re Goldsmiths redundancy that tell their own mini-tale, and two entries from 2013 (seven months apart) that give an interesting perspective on the pros and cons of having an academic job (as the latter is just after I got my one-year temporary Goldsmiths post teaching on the MA). They also offer a significant contrasts in mood and how this connects both to faith and to how my second novel was going.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Now grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Thursday 8th August 2024

[Extract]

Context: ‘COT3’ is the official acceptance of your redundancy terms. It is legally binding and from the moment you accept it, there is no legal recourse (no appeal to a tribunal etc) and no revocation possible. The deadline for accepting it was Friday 9th August.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include a video recording in London plus People, Places and Things, followed by a sweary meltdown; a heavy-pressure day of Goldsmiths final steps, fallout from a paedophile at our daughter’s school, legal horrors; and from the archives, a shiny-happy day in 2013 where I note my decision to stop writing poetry.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Now grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose :-)

Wednesday 24th July 2024

[Extract]

Context: Massolit is an educational video company and this is my first bit of work for them.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include my first visit to my university office since I got my redundancy notification, the day the news landed, and a June day six years ago to give a flavour of how having this job — as important as the income has been to me — has made it hard to write books.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Friday July 12th

[Extract]

Context: Usually I journal in the mornings, so I’m writing about the day before. I was delivering a conference paper to the Marlowe Society of America on the morning of Friday 12th but the day before, I had spent the afternoon in my office at Goldsmiths for the first time since discovering I am being made redundant as part of huge cuts to the department of English and Creative Writing, where the majority of senior staff are being axed.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries are focused chiefly on travelling. Two are from the last week; light-hearted experiences with friends balanced against the increasing tensions as pressures build up prior to my return to the UK. A little rant against the University and College Union, as I receive another slice of bad news. Substack comes up in both of the recent entries: why there was no Friday post this week for the first time since the end of March, and why it is becoming increasingly important to my viability as a writer. From archives I searched for the word ‘travel’ and found an entry that suggests to me that my experience now is hardly unique: I am never really fully on holiday. It includes some heartening light observations on humanity from the Pennines, and a brief comment on social media.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Now grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Saturday 29th June 2024

[Extract]

Context: We are coming to the end of three weeks of travelling, first in Holland, then in France (we being me, my husband Paul, and our 14-year-old lurcher, Zebedee). An usually long stint away from my desk, for me, and the pressures that face me on my return are building. M is my daughter. Ch is a long-time friend who lives in New Zealand but rented a house in the South of France, inviting us and other friends of his to join him. Also his 23-year-old son and his son’s friends from Birmingham (the ‘young men’ mentioned). C and S are new friends we met at the Shakespeare Oxford Fellowship conference in New Orleans. We are travelling in a Saab convertible, hence the ‘up and down’ roof reference.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include a tiny vignette from my current (much needed) break in Amsterdam, a ‘lost day’ from last month, and one of the most beautiful days I have lived.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Now grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Friday June 14th

[Extract]

Context: My husband and I are in Amsterdam for a few days.

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include accidentally taking my daughter to a comedy show with, shall we say, unexpected elements. How being on the sharp end of someone’s Facebook-induced paranoia unearthed a buried trauma. And the genuinely tragic life story behind an infuriating five-hour haircut.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

Now grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Monday May 27th

[Extract]

Context: Brighton Fringe Festival used to be a big part of my life (because Paul, my husband, used to run a lot of live literature events for the duration) and I’m a fan, too, of comedy. This year I had a lot on, so I picked a single show to see with my 20-year-old daughter. I didn’t know quite what to expect from the blurb… but not this!

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This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include an astonishing example of “insane coincidence” (calling it that for the sceptics), a sound persuasion tactic to persuade someone to do something they don’t want to do, and one of the biggest rants from last year when I was having a very, very bad day. Just to show how completely human I am, if I haven’t already demonstrated that. I don’t enjoy being angry, but I rather enjoy writing/reading a rant. Cathartic. Also, as is usual for me in my diary rants, very sweary.

Remember: what’s revealed in Secret Diary Club stays in Secret Diary Club. No sharing!

No grab a coffee, a herbal tea, or a proper British cuppa, and have a nose!

Friday 17th May 2024

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Welcome to the Secret Diary Club! This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include:

1. from this week, a strange anti-climatic climax to a very long journey for the female pirate novel (if not yet the end of the story)

2. from last month, an amusing family moment demonstrating some metaphysical connectedness, and

3. from the archives, an entry from March 2007. I was in the first year of my PhD, still finding my feet in the Shakespeare authorship question, and about to embark on writing The Marlowe Papers. The person who wrote that entry is a very different person from the person writing this post.

The Secret Diary Club is for paid subscribers only, but you can get free access when three or more people subscribe to Writing A Better World through your sharing it. There is always a way to have fun, even on a budget!

You can share any recent free post, or Writing A Better World as a whole. If three people subscribe (whether free or paid) from your sharing, you get a month’s free access to all the posts in The Secret Diary Club.

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If you’re already a Secret Diary Club member, thank you for your support! Grab a coffee (or a green tea, or a traditional British cuppa) and have a nose!

Tuesday 30th April 2024

[Extract]

Context: I have been writing the current novel for a very, very long time. It has had a bumpy ride. It is very large. I have had 3 agents from its conception in 2013 to now. This week, I ‘‘completed” it. Sorta. 12 is my lucky number. John is my agent.

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Welcome to the Secret Diary Club! This week’s three behind-the-scenes entries include a heavy moment alleviated by five minutes of yoga, a book review, a very sweary review of the Globe’s new production of Much Ado About Nothing (which opened on Thursday), some thoughts as I edit the penultimate chapter of my decade-long book project, and a notable entry from October 2013, when I was at a Marlowe conference in Virginia, and about to fly home to find out the result of the Desmond Elliott debut novel prize.

The Secret Diary Club is for paid subscribers only, but you can get free access when three or more people subscribe to Writing A Better World through your sharing it. There is always a way to have fun, even on a budget!

Share Writing a Better World

If you have met either of these two criteria, grab a coffee and have a nose!

Wednesday 24th April 2024

[Extract]

Context: my uncertainties about the genuineness of a correspondent illuminate another layer of damage that needs healing, which became the seed of this week’s post. Names and identifying details changed to protect the innocent.

Asana Rebel is a yoga app. Piranesi is Susanna Clarke’s 2021 Women’s Fiction Prize-winning novel. Milly is my daughter. We have recently started doing ‘buddy reads’ together. The first was Ursula le Guin’s classic The Left Hand of Darkness. We both disliked it.

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Welcome to the Secret Diary Club! This feature is for paid subscribers only, because I realised I *do* have to offer you something extra (beyond the Friday posts which I am committed to keep free) if I want to tempt you into supporting my writing life with your hard-earned spondoolicks. Duh!

This got me thinking, what can I give you that is exclusive, and hopefully interesting, but won’t cost more a lot more time, because I really need to be focused on writing books? Ask and it is given: MY DIARY!

I’ve been keeping a diary since 1974 and now journal every day. In the last five years I have written over 2.5 million words in journal entries. So here’s the idea. Every Sunday, if you’re a member of the Secret Diary Club (you are a paid subscriber), you get to read 3 extracts from my diary: two recent and one from the archives.

These extracts are rough and ready, edited only to correct typos (though I reserve the right to exchange names for initials if I’m getting personal).

One rule: What appears in The Secret Diary Club *stays* in The Secret Diary Club.

No sharing.

But paid members are welcome to discuss in the comments.

This week: a trip to the theatre, a university crisis, and my dip into the archives from 2014: Shakespeare scholars behaving badly (including me, if I’m honest) at the Shakespeare 450 Conference in Paris.

I swear a lot in my diary, so you’ll have to put up with that. Plus, as you’ll see, I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about iambic pentameter (which I type so often in my diary that it is nearly always reduced to IP).

The cost? About the same as buying me two cups of tea. If you don’t enjoy being a paid subscriber you can, of course, go back to being a free subscriber next month!

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