Dear Lonely Man on the Internet

How could I possibly resist your invitation to burn minutes of my precious life trying to say ‘No’ politely?

Dear Lonely Man on the Internet,

Thank you for sliding into my DMs. It’s gratifying to be singled out by you as one of dozens of women you’ll be approaching this week with your vacuous offer of “friendship”. We’ll call it that for now because I want to respect you as a human being, even though you’re about to make that difficult. 

With your inspired opening, “Hi. How are you today?” you make me feel so special. Almost as if we know each other; like you’re an old friend and care about me, and not at all that you’re a horny male who saw my profile pic and thought you’d give it a try.

It’s really sweet that you “think we have a lot in common”, especially when you haven’t wasted a second of your important man-time reading my posts. It is endearing, almost child-like, that when I ask what exactly you think we have in common, you scroll quickly through my feed and answer, “You like cooking” on the basis that I posted a picture of my $20 breakfast while I was in New Orleans delivering a conference paper and signing copies of my book. 

When I tell you that I hate cooking, how admirable your resilience! If I’d done something that dumb, the memory would have me crying out on the edge of sleep for weeks! But you happily ignore your idiocy and move on to your next lame-arse question, ‘What are you up to today?’ If only you could teach me to be as thick-skinned as you! What am I up to today? Isn’t it obvious? I’m doing some research into why men like you think this is a good way to approach women. 

I love how when I ask “Why exactly have you sent me this DM?” you spare five seconds to read my profile (boy, these women, such hard work, amirite?) and come back with “I want you to write a book with me.” So cute! I’m amazingly flattered. Imagine me, a prizewinning novelist with two dozen peer-reviewed papers on Elizabethan literature under my belt, being asked to write a book with a first-time writer who is also (just checking your profile) a fitness instructor. What an incredible (literally, not credible) use of my non-existent “spare time”!  

Luckily, we both know you don’t actually want me to write a book with you. Not knowing how to make genuine connections with women because you don’t think of them as people, you’re flailing around, baiting your entirely unappealing hook with something ludicrous. So I’m writing this letter in a spirit of compassion in the hope that future DM-sliders I send this link to will read something that has paragraphs. Call it a well-intentioned educational resource. 

Top tips: 

• “Lady” is not a respectful form of address

• A woman who knows her own value is not the same as “sound[ing] like the queen of england”

• Negging women does not make you luminously attractive

I know, if I didn’t want random dudes pinging my messages with vacuous Hellos why did I put up that profile, pic, right? The one of me with my normal face. I could have put up a picture of a man, or a hippo, or a random letter of the alphabet. Same as when I used to leave the house between the ages of 14 and 50. Wearing that face? Asking for it. 

Years ago, “I’m happily married” sometimes used to get rid of men who approached me (in bars, in the street), but I hated resorting to it. We shouldn’t have to plaster ourselves with “sold” stickers for our words to matter (oh, she is owned by someone, could be another man, I respect men, better back off). But now?

Let me tell you what is unattractive. Men who don’t give up. What, you’ve watched too many Enemies-to-Friends rom-coms? You think if you just don’t leave me alone I’m going to think, “Hey, this vacuous twat who can barely punctuate is so dedicated to wasting my time he must be worth a punt?” 

You need to know what women find attractive in a man? I can tell you in a single sentence. Men who know that women are people. I know. Crazy! Men who don’t just treat women as if they’re human beings (women will work out your real feelings eventually) but actually know them to be human. 

But me telling you is the easy bit. How you get there will take some effort on your part. Hanging out with other lonely men on the internet complaining about women will only compound the issue, so don’t do that. Instead, consider the advice I pinned to the top of my Instagram profile a few months ago, after a rash of messages like yours.

For any man landing on my profile who isn’t in a fulfilling relationship, I can thoroughly recommend getting out into your local community and doing some good for the people you live amongst. This is what my husband was doing when I met him. It’s the very best antidote to loneliness and you never know, you might meet someone.

But you’re still not getting it. And you know what’s getting to me now? I’m beginning to think you might not be a Lonely Man On The Internet (™) after all. You could be a human trafficking victim. Because I recently listened to this podcast about crypto scams and now I can’t get it out of my head. I revisit your ropey spelling, the grammar whose faults fall far short of a London-based fitness instructor. A “fitness instructor” with a new account on Substack and a single post atting someone he ran a gym day with (an illusion of connection) that looks like it was stolen from Instagram. 

Dear Lonely Man (and maybe actually woman) On The Internet (™) . . . are you a human trafficking victim?

I ask you. You say you are not. Well of course, because if you were, and you said so, you’d be beaten and possibly tortured. I hope this series of DMs isn’t from a human trafficking victim, but if it is, I am truly sorry that I can’t help you meet your target. I hope the International Justice Mission rescues you soon. 

Damn. The possibility of your enslavement, misery and peril stripped all the comedy out of this letter.

Listen, this was entertaining for a while, and then a bit unsettling, but horror stories aren’t my thing. It’s late, and I’m ready for a salted caramel Baileys and snuggling up with the man who makes my dinner. It is long past the time I should have pressed “Block”. 

And donated a few quid to the International Justice Mission.

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Post-it Notes

Since last week I have:

• Edited 11,000 words of the female pirate novel

• Spent way too many hours preparing my US tax return 

• Put in my US citizenship renunciation request

• Saw Sam Holcroft’s play “A Mirror”

• Had my first letter published in a national newspaper

• Enjoyed a long chat with a film-maker about his friendships with criminals and spies

Conversation starters:

1. What’s your experience with private messages from strangers?

2. Do men have as many DMs from women now that crypto scams and romance scams are big business with Chinese gangsters? 

3. Was the shift in this piece a bit of a shocker?

4. Hi. How are you today?