Thank you for your naked transparency. One of my “friends” dumped me when she didn’t like the birthday poster I gave her daughter, years ago. Then, she reunited after reading some of my LinkedIn posts. We had a really fun, full of laughter lunch, as if the years hadn’t dissolved as they did. Then—she dumped me again, saying that we are too different (she assumed my politial leanings, not asking, not even knowing) and left. Then—yes, another then—she said she was setting aside our differences and wanted to be friends, again (especially after looking at the photo we took of ourselves on that lunch date). I haven’t responded, don’t know if I will. She had also insinuated that I am not spiritual because of my beliefs. Wait a minute—doesn’t a part of spirituality mean that we are compassionate and understanding of others? This time, I realize that she can’t be trusted. That any little thing she interprets her way, might make her leave, once again. And really—three times and she’s out. (Even two times.)
If you’ve lived long enough, you’ve likely had a friend breakup or two. As much as I respect my decisions along the way and understand the whys and wherefores, sometimes I feel nostalgic, sad, or ashamed of my missteps. Reading stories of others’ friendships ending is immensely helpful. Especially, when they’re couched, as yours is, as a reminder that as my wavelength changed - as my consciousness evolved through understanding my conditioning and healing my trauma - my willingness, ability, and desire to maintain less than supportive friendships changed too. It’s time I fully forgive myself (and them) and understand the psychospiritual forces at play. Releasing my responsibility to hold on, while letting go into the wisdom of higher consciousness, karma, and compassion is what your essay reminds me to do. Thank you!
I understand how you feel. I also have regrets about not one but two friendships that began in college and ended years later. Both ended as a result of me refusing to be treated as someone that could be used as they saw fit. For many years I felt badly about what had happened and blamed myself. I was sad that two people I'd spent so much time with were gone from my life forever. It was only when I flipped the internal script and allowed myself to review the real pain they had caused me did I realize I had done what I needed to protect my tender heart. In other words, I allowed myself to feel hurt without shame, and that brought me the peace I needed.
Me too. No regrets. They say we can’t pour from an empty cup but the takers don’t care, do they? They seem to gravitate toward the givers.
Saying no has been life saving. I look forward to a time post deconstruction where we can begin to build trust again. Faith in humanity post trauma is a process.
I could not stay friends with a woman after I found out she supports the man who may cost my (legal) immigrant husband his freedom and all of us our democracy. I feel pain every day because of this.
People are scared of change in others. Humans have a tendency to want to hold people in place like stars in a firmament. I've discovered over the years, thanks to various life changes, which friends have allowed those shifts and which ones it's freaked out. I guess that's a constant process.
I once had this friend. Years ago we worked together and had gotten quite close. But she was a horrible drunk. When we went out, she would often hit on men- who were clearly with other women- to get attention from them. This behaviour would naturally cause fights and even got us kicked out of a few places, as I would always be the one who had to grab her arm and pull her away, apologizing as we scuttled out the door. Afterwards, the tears came. One night, in a drunken stupor, she told me her dad left on a business trip and never came back. She was four at the time, her sister eight and her brother 10. Their mom spiraled and withdrew. And my friend grew up craving attention and emotional feeding. I felt sorry for her. I suggested therapy as I knew her pain ran deep but she brushed it away saying it wasn't needed. Then her dad got sick, his prognosis dire. Off she flew to South Carolina to be by his side much to her sibling's resistance. When she came back, she had changed. She was numb and lost. I thought a night out would cheer her up as being around our friends always made her happy. But her need for attention, to be seen and adored from men was worse than before. But by then I was done babysitting her and knew I had to end our friendship. It's been nearly 10 years now. I'm much stronger. I moved to a new state and changed my entire life. She's tried to reach out to me over the years but I just can't. Some relationships run their course. This one definitely had.
Thank you for sharing this. Friendship grief is real with a rollercoaster of emotions too. It doesn’t make it easier even if it was toxic. It’s not easy to talk about with other friends either so hearing others write about their experience is refreshing.
Wow! I am going through something similar. A "friend" has ghosted me for over a year. Not sure why. It doesn't matter any more. I, like you, don't have the bandwidth for her any more. If (big if) she gets in touch again, I shall say, let's do cards at Christmas, but that's it. I can't take these long periods of complete silence (this was the third one) any more. If you want to be friends, that's my offer. The friendship we knew is gone. Probably for multiple reasons.
i have also had to end a few friendships recently. or rather, the latest one, i was the dumpee i think. i couldn't make her wedding on the other side of the world. i had moved away and it fell only 4 months into me being there, within probation at my job (which later fired me anyway lol).
but yeah, everytime i go into a spiral that i am the problem.
less so lately, but people seem to really react to people who dump friends, when i think it can be such a healthy choice for both people.
Thank you for sharing. I have a friend of over 50 years that I’ve thought about “divorcing,” and what you said about the physical impact of spending time with a toxic friend really resonated. It takes me a few days after seeing her to recover both physically and mentally. Even a text from her is upsetting. Time to make that decision…
Experienced this very recently as well, when realizing I was actually just being abused and taken advantage of for eleven years and wondering why I was always sick and now processing the trauma of it smh. Unfortunately the person married into my family and now she's my sister-in-law that I have to see every few weeks lol.
We definitely underestimate how much friendship breakups can hurt. Thank you for writing this piece. Hope you're healing.
Thank you for your naked transparency. One of my “friends” dumped me when she didn’t like the birthday poster I gave her daughter, years ago. Then, she reunited after reading some of my LinkedIn posts. We had a really fun, full of laughter lunch, as if the years hadn’t dissolved as they did. Then—she dumped me again, saying that we are too different (she assumed my politial leanings, not asking, not even knowing) and left. Then—yes, another then—she said she was setting aside our differences and wanted to be friends, again (especially after looking at the photo we took of ourselves on that lunch date). I haven’t responded, don’t know if I will. She had also insinuated that I am not spiritual because of my beliefs. Wait a minute—doesn’t a part of spirituality mean that we are compassionate and understanding of others? This time, I realize that she can’t be trusted. That any little thing she interprets her way, might make her leave, once again. And really—three times and she’s out. (Even two times.)
If you’ve lived long enough, you’ve likely had a friend breakup or two. As much as I respect my decisions along the way and understand the whys and wherefores, sometimes I feel nostalgic, sad, or ashamed of my missteps. Reading stories of others’ friendships ending is immensely helpful. Especially, when they’re couched, as yours is, as a reminder that as my wavelength changed - as my consciousness evolved through understanding my conditioning and healing my trauma - my willingness, ability, and desire to maintain less than supportive friendships changed too. It’s time I fully forgive myself (and them) and understand the psychospiritual forces at play. Releasing my responsibility to hold on, while letting go into the wisdom of higher consciousness, karma, and compassion is what your essay reminds me to do. Thank you!
I understand how you feel. I also have regrets about not one but two friendships that began in college and ended years later. Both ended as a result of me refusing to be treated as someone that could be used as they saw fit. For many years I felt badly about what had happened and blamed myself. I was sad that two people I'd spent so much time with were gone from my life forever. It was only when I flipped the internal script and allowed myself to review the real pain they had caused me did I realize I had done what I needed to protect my tender heart. In other words, I allowed myself to feel hurt without shame, and that brought me the peace I needed.
Me too. No regrets. They say we can’t pour from an empty cup but the takers don’t care, do they? They seem to gravitate toward the givers.
Saying no has been life saving. I look forward to a time post deconstruction where we can begin to build trust again. Faith in humanity post trauma is a process.
I could not stay friends with a woman after I found out she supports the man who may cost my (legal) immigrant husband his freedom and all of us our democracy. I feel pain every day because of this.
People are scared of change in others. Humans have a tendency to want to hold people in place like stars in a firmament. I've discovered over the years, thanks to various life changes, which friends have allowed those shifts and which ones it's freaked out. I guess that's a constant process.
Thank you for sharing this. A painful but good reminder.
Toxic friendship demand energy, time and mental energy too. With a simple divorce all these returns to our own self..!
Hi Ros - A quick note to thank-you for this piece and send along some healing vibes. <3 Hope you're feeling better.
-Heather
I once had this friend. Years ago we worked together and had gotten quite close. But she was a horrible drunk. When we went out, she would often hit on men- who were clearly with other women- to get attention from them. This behaviour would naturally cause fights and even got us kicked out of a few places, as I would always be the one who had to grab her arm and pull her away, apologizing as we scuttled out the door. Afterwards, the tears came. One night, in a drunken stupor, she told me her dad left on a business trip and never came back. She was four at the time, her sister eight and her brother 10. Their mom spiraled and withdrew. And my friend grew up craving attention and emotional feeding. I felt sorry for her. I suggested therapy as I knew her pain ran deep but she brushed it away saying it wasn't needed. Then her dad got sick, his prognosis dire. Off she flew to South Carolina to be by his side much to her sibling's resistance. When she came back, she had changed. She was numb and lost. I thought a night out would cheer her up as being around our friends always made her happy. But her need for attention, to be seen and adored from men was worse than before. But by then I was done babysitting her and knew I had to end our friendship. It's been nearly 10 years now. I'm much stronger. I moved to a new state and changed my entire life. She's tried to reach out to me over the years but I just can't. Some relationships run their course. This one definitely had.
What a massive shame she didn’t make an attempt to heal her wounds. It could’ve been so different.
Thank you for sharing this. Friendship grief is real with a rollercoaster of emotions too. It doesn’t make it easier even if it was toxic. It’s not easy to talk about with other friends either so hearing others write about their experience is refreshing.
Wow! I am going through something similar. A "friend" has ghosted me for over a year. Not sure why. It doesn't matter any more. I, like you, don't have the bandwidth for her any more. If (big if) she gets in touch again, I shall say, let's do cards at Christmas, but that's it. I can't take these long periods of complete silence (this was the third one) any more. If you want to be friends, that's my offer. The friendship we knew is gone. Probably for multiple reasons.
That’s the key thing, isn’t it. The friendship we knew is gone.
Yes, but hard to acknowledge.
Thank you for writing this ❤️
i have also had to end a few friendships recently. or rather, the latest one, i was the dumpee i think. i couldn't make her wedding on the other side of the world. i had moved away and it fell only 4 months into me being there, within probation at my job (which later fired me anyway lol).
but yeah, everytime i go into a spiral that i am the problem.
less so lately, but people seem to really react to people who dump friends, when i think it can be such a healthy choice for both people.
Thank you for sharing. I have a friend of over 50 years that I’ve thought about “divorcing,” and what you said about the physical impact of spending time with a toxic friend really resonated. It takes me a few days after seeing her to recover both physically and mentally. Even a text from her is upsetting. Time to make that decision…
Sounds like a no brainer to me. Our friends should nourish, not damage us.
Agreed, thanks!
Thank you for your transparency. Great piece.
Experienced this very recently as well, when realizing I was actually just being abused and taken advantage of for eleven years and wondering why I was always sick and now processing the trauma of it smh. Unfortunately the person married into my family and now she's my sister-in-law that I have to see every few weeks lol.
We definitely underestimate how much friendship breakups can hurt. Thank you for writing this piece. Hope you're healing.