I am constantly asking men to stand up to their buddies when their buddies are being crude, hateful and sexualizing women of all ages. As you stated, the men have to fix this. 100% Full Stop
Totally. It works in all sorts of areas. Somebody once told me: it's not black people that have a 'race problem'. If we're ever going to achieve something like representation in publishing, the solution has to involve a place at the table for everyone. Etc.
We are broken. Men live in fear. Fear of change. Of feeling less than they are. Of opening their hearts. Of being criticized. Of feeling small. We live in fear of other men. In truth, we are afraid of women. Their kindness. Their love. Their strength. Afraid of anyone who is different than ourselves. And look where it’s gotten us. The World Of Men. We’d rather pound our chests and destroy it, than lay down our dysfunctional egos, and embrace all women, and everyone, for that matter, as our equals. Our testosterone may be the most dangerous drug on this earth. Peddled to us like candy from birth. It’s amazing we’re still here
"the men who don’t adapt to this landscape, men who don’t evolve, are going to have to say goodbye to their sex lives and bloodlines" - yay! Darwinism, like karma, is a bitch. ;-)
Wow Ros!! Raw power and clinical analysis. Thank you for speaking this awkward truth.
I have seen the quote in other articles about sexism in book choice and find this hard to accept - I may well be weird but I don’t think I have ever considered the sex of the author when choosing a book: it’s down to cover design, the synopsis on the back, sometimes a few pages (partly to check font size for my aging eyes) but never “a wifie wrote this so it’ll be shite!”
After a long life and a third divorce (the last time from an actually very decent, kind, gentle, [atypical] male; no such accolades for the first two), I have had very little to do with men. As the saying goes: if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I very much hate the heat, haven't been even NEAR a metaphorical kitchen for years, and yet manage to live quite happily. If it weren't for my gay friends I'd likely never hang out with a man again (except my son, who has turned out to be a feminist, to nobody's surprise). Since the Epstein saga has been all over the news, and it's become obvious that the only thing keeping many, many men from Epstein-like proclivities is a lack of money/connections, the conversation among women about men has changed. It's gone from a jocular 'can't live with them/can't live without them', to flat out fury and disgust, and a quickly growing willingness to say, 'Nope, no way do I need THAT shit in my life'. These days, I'm told, they make very good vibrators and marvellous rainbow choices in dildos, so it's all good.
The conditioning that has created the way in which men and women see the world is tragic indeed. Since it’s a patriarchy led society then of course the attitudes promoted will be huge distortions amplified by everybody else’s distorted attitudes of what it is to be masculine or feminine.
I personally don’t believe anybody knows what true masculinity is as the role models that shape them create their reality. Which they unconsciously act via their developed ego of what they learnt while growing up which is often appalling, disgraceful and disgusting.
There is no self awareness of the harm and stupidity that goes into the reinforcement of the kind of mentality that causes real harm. And this attitude, the gap to even acknowledge this is huge. It’s exactly why all professions exclude and downplay the intelligence of women instead of their true value and respect.
When people think they make smart aleck comments because they’re one of the guys it’s a form of derogatory minimisation, an erosion of the power systems that they want to maintain in order to feel manly.
Except it makes them weak cowards who do not know how to confront their programmed willingness to champion the rights of women.
This is a powerful article thanks for writing.
I would go one step further culturally we’ve been fed lies our whole life what male and female roles should be, told by a system since school that this is how it is. Often exclusionary, biased and entirely one sided. For if you look closely the kinds of literature that gets promoted during our schooling years and uni years. One can see patterns of conditioning that fit a certain model and that’s usually favours male hypocrisy. As if their blindness to exclude anything different be it language or female views is like heresy.
And then it’s treated like something naturally to shut down, submit or control. And so because men haven’t ever been taught to actually listen to their hearts they let their distorted scripts run the show and are indeed very broken, fractured. Never realising that the problem was never with the women but their attitudes that they adopted throughout their life of entitlement.
While women get sidelined. It’s such a poor excuse to behave this way but it’s everywhere, the media, to sports, to business, that this mass distortion just creates a vacuum of behaviour that then gets carried by women. Because they are seen less than when in fact are more than equal.
In fact during school it stuck with me as a friend questioned it, this was year four, why is the word male more important than female, as it’s a longer word and they bring life into this world. The teacher brushed it aside. But it truly shows the disconnect, how those who shape the world and actually create our reality are seen as less than then equal.
And so whole levels of abuse occurs because of it because there are no healthy role models for men to take example from unless they truly look inward and deconstruct their patterns that have caused more harm than any words.
Women are not weak at all, in fact you guys have a higher pain threshold and tolerance to the crap you’ve been dished out than men ever do. And I’m forever surprised at the brainwashing that continues to this day. In the name of politics, religion, science, business, schools, laws etc. it’s all geared to one thing advantage male dominance.
It’s not just that men are broken, our souls are broken and fed the system lie of what it is to be male as much as what it is to be female.
And everything else gets suppressed, we need real accountability and responsibility for our actions not just a slap on the wrist or ignorance. It’s a system wide epidemic. Nobody deserves to be treated in a way that causes them to feel unsafe and yet it’s barely looked at and dismissed as the norm.
We truly live in a sick society who need more people to stand up and say enough is enough. Time to change this story to one of genuine reciprocity, maturity and ownership. Not cower away behind everything like it’s normal to control, abuse and harasses others.
First, congratulations about your book. We are looking forward to reading it! Thank you for having the courage to publish it on Substack. I'm excited to read it in serial form.
Second, while sad, it is expected that some men are struggling with women seeking equality. Thank you for writing about men's responsibility in this struggle.
Patriarchy harms men as much as it does women. I believe that feminism also includes working to eliminate oppression and harm of all of us--women and men.
Jackson Katz, whose work includes "Tough Guise: Men, Violence, and the Crisis in Masculinity," is among the men trying to teach, help fix, these broken men. It can be done, but social change is a slow process.
Finally, I don't think the men who are holding onto these traditional ideas don't understand we cannot go back. They seem not to know or understand history.
Social and Every type of change can be exceedingly rapid. COVID was evidence of that.
What creates a Tipping Point? Bc THAT is how we create the stimulus needed.
I do believe it's women walking away from Formaldehyde filled modern homes, into Forests and Mangroves, and Tiny Islands, to help save Antartica, and leaving the males in their self-created ManCaves / Bunkers / what-tf-ever else, Kings Over a Pile of Nothing, and dependent on others who no longer provide.
I agree with this 100%. It is all proven only in how a man behaves in relationships with women.
However, reading and listening to women can be the start of the process whereby men can begin to understand women and perhaps, in due course, really meet us where we are.
Yes! I’ve been saying this, too, for at least a decade but only watching things get worse in our society. I have met a couple of men who want women elevated to positions of leadership because of their emotional intelligence. But both of them are in my elder generation, with the perspective of many years on this planet which has given them perspective.
My little grandson, at one point, was saying things like only boys can do this. And I watched my son (his uncle, whom he adores) respond “anyone can do this,” twice, as my grandson challenged him back. Afterwards I thanked my son for his example.
Thanks Ros - a much needed article which I hope inspires hundreds and thousands more women to use their voice and speak out about redressing the balance in our toxic patriachal society. I am a Gen X woman and I honestly feel that I live in a more toxically patriarchal world now than I did in my twenties. It seems there has been a big backslide and we need to turn around the feminist wheelbarrow and get a whole host more men on board.
I am constantly asking men to stand up to their buddies when their buddies are being crude, hateful and sexualizing women of all ages. As you stated, the men have to fix this. 100% Full Stop
Totally. It works in all sorts of areas. Somebody once told me: it's not black people that have a 'race problem'. If we're ever going to achieve something like representation in publishing, the solution has to involve a place at the table for everyone. Etc.
No one is allowed to be racist in my home. If I have someone visiting and they go there, I politely tell them to STFU
We are broken. Men live in fear. Fear of change. Of feeling less than they are. Of opening their hearts. Of being criticized. Of feeling small. We live in fear of other men. In truth, we are afraid of women. Their kindness. Their love. Their strength. Afraid of anyone who is different than ourselves. And look where it’s gotten us. The World Of Men. We’d rather pound our chests and destroy it, than lay down our dysfunctional egos, and embrace all women, and everyone, for that matter, as our equals. Our testosterone may be the most dangerous drug on this earth. Peddled to us like candy from birth. It’s amazing we’re still here
"the men who don’t adapt to this landscape, men who don’t evolve, are going to have to say goodbye to their sex lives and bloodlines" - yay! Darwinism, like karma, is a bitch. ;-)
Wow Ros!! Raw power and clinical analysis. Thank you for speaking this awkward truth.
I have seen the quote in other articles about sexism in book choice and find this hard to accept - I may well be weird but I don’t think I have ever considered the sex of the author when choosing a book: it’s down to cover design, the synopsis on the back, sometimes a few pages (partly to check font size for my aging eyes) but never “a wifie wrote this so it’ll be shite!”
I tend to go the opposite way - I'm generally less likely to read a book by a man! If only to correct my unconscious youthful bias.
After a long life and a third divorce (the last time from an actually very decent, kind, gentle, [atypical] male; no such accolades for the first two), I have had very little to do with men. As the saying goes: if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I very much hate the heat, haven't been even NEAR a metaphorical kitchen for years, and yet manage to live quite happily. If it weren't for my gay friends I'd likely never hang out with a man again (except my son, who has turned out to be a feminist, to nobody's surprise). Since the Epstein saga has been all over the news, and it's become obvious that the only thing keeping many, many men from Epstein-like proclivities is a lack of money/connections, the conversation among women about men has changed. It's gone from a jocular 'can't live with them/can't live without them', to flat out fury and disgust, and a quickly growing willingness to say, 'Nope, no way do I need THAT shit in my life'. These days, I'm told, they make very good vibrators and marvellous rainbow choices in dildos, so it's all good.
Brilliantly said.
The conditioning that has created the way in which men and women see the world is tragic indeed. Since it’s a patriarchy led society then of course the attitudes promoted will be huge distortions amplified by everybody else’s distorted attitudes of what it is to be masculine or feminine.
I personally don’t believe anybody knows what true masculinity is as the role models that shape them create their reality. Which they unconsciously act via their developed ego of what they learnt while growing up which is often appalling, disgraceful and disgusting.
There is no self awareness of the harm and stupidity that goes into the reinforcement of the kind of mentality that causes real harm. And this attitude, the gap to even acknowledge this is huge. It’s exactly why all professions exclude and downplay the intelligence of women instead of their true value and respect.
When people think they make smart aleck comments because they’re one of the guys it’s a form of derogatory minimisation, an erosion of the power systems that they want to maintain in order to feel manly.
Except it makes them weak cowards who do not know how to confront their programmed willingness to champion the rights of women.
This is a powerful article thanks for writing.
I would go one step further culturally we’ve been fed lies our whole life what male and female roles should be, told by a system since school that this is how it is. Often exclusionary, biased and entirely one sided. For if you look closely the kinds of literature that gets promoted during our schooling years and uni years. One can see patterns of conditioning that fit a certain model and that’s usually favours male hypocrisy. As if their blindness to exclude anything different be it language or female views is like heresy.
And then it’s treated like something naturally to shut down, submit or control. And so because men haven’t ever been taught to actually listen to their hearts they let their distorted scripts run the show and are indeed very broken, fractured. Never realising that the problem was never with the women but their attitudes that they adopted throughout their life of entitlement.
While women get sidelined. It’s such a poor excuse to behave this way but it’s everywhere, the media, to sports, to business, that this mass distortion just creates a vacuum of behaviour that then gets carried by women. Because they are seen less than when in fact are more than equal.
In fact during school it stuck with me as a friend questioned it, this was year four, why is the word male more important than female, as it’s a longer word and they bring life into this world. The teacher brushed it aside. But it truly shows the disconnect, how those who shape the world and actually create our reality are seen as less than then equal.
And so whole levels of abuse occurs because of it because there are no healthy role models for men to take example from unless they truly look inward and deconstruct their patterns that have caused more harm than any words.
Women are not weak at all, in fact you guys have a higher pain threshold and tolerance to the crap you’ve been dished out than men ever do. And I’m forever surprised at the brainwashing that continues to this day. In the name of politics, religion, science, business, schools, laws etc. it’s all geared to one thing advantage male dominance.
It’s not just that men are broken, our souls are broken and fed the system lie of what it is to be male as much as what it is to be female.
And everything else gets suppressed, we need real accountability and responsibility for our actions not just a slap on the wrist or ignorance. It’s a system wide epidemic. Nobody deserves to be treated in a way that causes them to feel unsafe and yet it’s barely looked at and dismissed as the norm.
We truly live in a sick society who need more people to stand up and say enough is enough. Time to change this story to one of genuine reciprocity, maturity and ownership. Not cower away behind everything like it’s normal to control, abuse and harasses others.
First, congratulations about your book. We are looking forward to reading it! Thank you for having the courage to publish it on Substack. I'm excited to read it in serial form.
Second, while sad, it is expected that some men are struggling with women seeking equality. Thank you for writing about men's responsibility in this struggle.
Patriarchy harms men as much as it does women. I believe that feminism also includes working to eliminate oppression and harm of all of us--women and men.
Jackson Katz, whose work includes "Tough Guise: Men, Violence, and the Crisis in Masculinity," is among the men trying to teach, help fix, these broken men. It can be done, but social change is a slow process.
Finally, I don't think the men who are holding onto these traditional ideas don't understand we cannot go back. They seem not to know or understand history.
Social and Every type of change can be exceedingly rapid. COVID was evidence of that.
What creates a Tipping Point? Bc THAT is how we create the stimulus needed.
I do believe it's women walking away from Formaldehyde filled modern homes, into Forests and Mangroves, and Tiny Islands, to help save Antartica, and leaving the males in their self-created ManCaves / Bunkers / what-tf-ever else, Kings Over a Pile of Nothing, and dependent on others who no longer provide.
Reading women’s words doesn’t prove anything about a man’s relational capacity.
It proves he can consume and agree with ideas.
Those are not the same thing.
A man can read every feminist book, use all the right language, and still be unavailable, avoidant, or unable to sustain intimacy over time.
Because relationships don’t happen at the level of ideology.
They happen in behavior.
In how he responds when there’s tension.
In whether he stays present or shuts down.
In whether he can meet a woman consistently—not just understand her intellectually.
“Not broken” isn’t:
reading women
agreeing with women
or even partnering with a woman
It’s the ability to meet another human being in reality, over time.
That’s the part that can’t be proven in a comment section.
I agree with this 100%. It is all proven only in how a man behaves in relationships with women.
However, reading and listening to women can be the start of the process whereby men can begin to understand women and perhaps, in due course, really meet us where we are.
Yes! I’ve been saying this, too, for at least a decade but only watching things get worse in our society. I have met a couple of men who want women elevated to positions of leadership because of their emotional intelligence. But both of them are in my elder generation, with the perspective of many years on this planet which has given them perspective.
My little grandson, at one point, was saying things like only boys can do this. And I watched my son (his uncle, whom he adores) respond “anyone can do this,” twice, as my grandson challenged him back. Afterwards I thanked my son for his example.
The Cassandra Effect
Woah. That is a new term for me and I looked it up and shoooooot, this is my life.
This is an excellent read and basic blueprint for men to pick up and run with…..my jaw is hanging with the truth and power of your writing. Thank you!
Every word bang on. One of the paradoxes of desirable 21st century masculinity is that modesty is one of its chief virtues but it’s also one of the quietest. It’s of course on men to raise boys, whether their own or not, to understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking control. https://counselofperfection.substack.com/p/boy-oh-boy-on-wholesome-masculinity?r=7wxlo&utm_medium=ios
THE SECOND PIRATE BOOK this has made my day
Loved your post. You nailed it! I can't wait for your book. I love historical stuff especially about women
Congratulations and I look forward to reading your book.
Dickens was a master storyteller and promoter. Shit to his wife, too, but I’m beginning to think most famous men were shit to their wives. :(
Thanks Ros - a much needed article which I hope inspires hundreds and thousands more women to use their voice and speak out about redressing the balance in our toxic patriachal society. I am a Gen X woman and I honestly feel that I live in a more toxically patriarchal world now than I did in my twenties. It seems there has been a big backslide and we need to turn around the feminist wheelbarrow and get a whole host more men on board.
Good article, and the Fraternity of Contempt was a great piece of writing. I really admire people who can forge words into articulate expression.