I love how you keep going in spite of all the difficulties you've faced. It's inspiring and makes me realize I am stronger than I think I am. This is raw and truthful and relevant to so many who are going through similar situations. Thanks for being so real.
I faced the same situation as a woman with a female partner. I became the potential main source of all our future income and the only one leaving the house to bring in revenue. I was also the only one capable of doing the work at home. I did my best in both regards and kept the wheels turning; miraculously my partner has made a 95% recovery over 2 years. (This bothers her, she used to sling a rucksack in the boot of her car and set off into the mountains with every free second, now a hike takes a few days to recover from and it drives her crazy like she didn’t spend 12 months on the sofa too tired to even watch TV.)
My experience was very different from yours. My partner was always greatful, always sorry for being sick (no matter how I assured her she didn’t have to apologise), always aware of what I was doing for us.
Well done for doing this, keeping the wheels spinning. It’s really tough. And of course very tough to be on the other side of this too, to find all your capacity suddenly reduced to nothing. I feel like the differences in our experiences point very strongly to my feeling that my husband‘s reaction was entirely due to his being programmed by the patriarchy to be the provider and me the support person, even though prior to his illness we had been equals in all regards, and he had never been troubled by my career-mindedness. Somehow the illness just brought out the worst in him; like his masculinity was threatened, not just his health. I’m glad you had a better experience and that your partner is 95% recovered.
Me too on all counts. It was hard, it felt hopeless, but I never questioned what I was doing or our relationship. To feel unappreciated and yet feel shackled by conscience while carrying everyone on your back must have been a toturous addition to an already stressful experience.
I feel inspired by this writing and your creative response to difficulty, Ros. When you were using EFT to work with the fear 'this is my ex all over again!' it reminded me of something EFT does so well - it calms the energetic response so we can see beyond that, to the truth of the matter. Beyond story and mental contents, to pure awareness. I recovered from 13 years of M.E/CFS. Much was down to EFT.
Yes, EFT is fantastic for that. It gets beneath the stories we tell ourselves to the truth of what’s happening. Early on, I met someone who recovered from ME/CFS using EFT and wrote a book about it. I read it to understand the roots of her illness (and she was trained, and worked with others with the condition too) so that I could understand better the roots of his. Wonderful that you empowered yourself this way, Sally.
"But what about me?" Beautifully distilled down to a single (asinine, especially in context) question. You pulled off an absolute miracle save for your whole family, including him, and all he could think about was himself.
And bizarrely not even himself in the context of what he needed – because he needed you to get that PhD in order to keep having a roof over his head. It was about himself in the context of the role he wanted you to play in his life and your marriage.
There's looking a gift horse in the mouth, and then whatever that was. You have shown incredible resilience to come through all of that, and your story and your writing is inspirational. Thank you.
Thank you, Keagan. He’s sorry about it now, of course. Embarrassed even. I grew enormously in strength and resilience through the process, so I guess it was a very important experience for me to have, to show me what I was capable of. What maybe we all are, when we have to be.
Oh dear God. I would not blame a sick person for making one irrational comment, but I'm so glad I'm not you, because I would have dumped him in the gutter. I could happily go until the heat death of the universe and never again hear about someone else's problems, someone else's feelings or someone else's health.
Thank you for this inspiring piece. It's so true, the caregiving trap so many women face. Though we weren't married, one of my long-term relationships taught me much of what you describe, and the importance of women having financial freedom. I love my husband and children dearly, but I cannot imagine my life without my own career goals and finances. We must find stability on our own, and what a blessing if that can be done through our creative feats.
I love how you keep going in spite of all the difficulties you've faced. It's inspiring and makes me realize I am stronger than I think I am. This is raw and truthful and relevant to so many who are going through similar situations. Thanks for being so real.
This is why I write these pieces, Kathie. Thank you.
"You don't ask the person you love to give up what they love. It's as simple as that."
Mic drop.
I faced the same situation as a woman with a female partner. I became the potential main source of all our future income and the only one leaving the house to bring in revenue. I was also the only one capable of doing the work at home. I did my best in both regards and kept the wheels turning; miraculously my partner has made a 95% recovery over 2 years. (This bothers her, she used to sling a rucksack in the boot of her car and set off into the mountains with every free second, now a hike takes a few days to recover from and it drives her crazy like she didn’t spend 12 months on the sofa too tired to even watch TV.)
My experience was very different from yours. My partner was always greatful, always sorry for being sick (no matter how I assured her she didn’t have to apologise), always aware of what I was doing for us.
I’m sorry it was the way it was for you.
Well done for doing this, keeping the wheels spinning. It’s really tough. And of course very tough to be on the other side of this too, to find all your capacity suddenly reduced to nothing. I feel like the differences in our experiences point very strongly to my feeling that my husband‘s reaction was entirely due to his being programmed by the patriarchy to be the provider and me the support person, even though prior to his illness we had been equals in all regards, and he had never been troubled by my career-mindedness. Somehow the illness just brought out the worst in him; like his masculinity was threatened, not just his health. I’m glad you had a better experience and that your partner is 95% recovered.
Me too on all counts. It was hard, it felt hopeless, but I never questioned what I was doing or our relationship. To feel unappreciated and yet feel shackled by conscience while carrying everyone on your back must have been a toturous addition to an already stressful experience.
Yep, it was incredibly tough. I felt like giving up many times.
I feel inspired by this writing and your creative response to difficulty, Ros. When you were using EFT to work with the fear 'this is my ex all over again!' it reminded me of something EFT does so well - it calms the energetic response so we can see beyond that, to the truth of the matter. Beyond story and mental contents, to pure awareness. I recovered from 13 years of M.E/CFS. Much was down to EFT.
Yes, EFT is fantastic for that. It gets beneath the stories we tell ourselves to the truth of what’s happening. Early on, I met someone who recovered from ME/CFS using EFT and wrote a book about it. I read it to understand the roots of her illness (and she was trained, and worked with others with the condition too) so that I could understand better the roots of his. Wonderful that you empowered yourself this way, Sally.
Wow as a divorced woman, HARD relate
Relationships are rarely easy. I totally get the new movement to stop dating completely.
"But what about me?" Beautifully distilled down to a single (asinine, especially in context) question. You pulled off an absolute miracle save for your whole family, including him, and all he could think about was himself.
And bizarrely not even himself in the context of what he needed – because he needed you to get that PhD in order to keep having a roof over his head. It was about himself in the context of the role he wanted you to play in his life and your marriage.
There's looking a gift horse in the mouth, and then whatever that was. You have shown incredible resilience to come through all of that, and your story and your writing is inspirational. Thank you.
Thank you, Keagan. He’s sorry about it now, of course. Embarrassed even. I grew enormously in strength and resilience through the process, so I guess it was a very important experience for me to have, to show me what I was capable of. What maybe we all are, when we have to be.
Thanks Ros. That gives me hope.
Oh dear God. I would not blame a sick person for making one irrational comment, but I'm so glad I'm not you, because I would have dumped him in the gutter. I could happily go until the heat death of the universe and never again hear about someone else's problems, someone else's feelings or someone else's health.
Thank you for this inspiring piece. It's so true, the caregiving trap so many women face. Though we weren't married, one of my long-term relationships taught me much of what you describe, and the importance of women having financial freedom. I love my husband and children dearly, but I cannot imagine my life without my own career goals and finances. We must find stability on our own, and what a blessing if that can be done through our creative feats.