I have been wanting to do a silent retreat for a while - it sounds like it’s worth it. I’ve been circling the mother wound recently and it’s a tough one!
I once did a six week trek into the mountains in Nepal and the tracks were mostly so narrow we had to walk single file and I was alone with my thoughts all day in the middle of the most stunning scenery. But there was my mind, spoiling it all. I suppose it was a chance to observe how repetitive and circular and meaningless most of my thoughts were, how full of old and present grievances, and meditations on self-justification and revenge, and at points I was so desperate for silence that I visualised ripping out my brain and throwing it away. It was probably the noisiest six weeks I ever spent because I couldn't distract myself by reading (my escape since childhood) or watching something. I've thought of doing the ten day Vipassana course a few times but I'm told it's gruelling and I'm afraid the same thing will happen again. It's good you were prepared and went with awareness and something to work on.
Vipassana retreats sound horrible. I cant imagine doing that to myself. One for the self-punishers, I think. Thanks for reading, Umi, and nice to see you here. Hope you are well!
The onion does indeed have infinite layers Ros. This magnificent essay took me on a journey, from laughter and defenses to quiet engagement with the shadow. I admit that I have never had the courage to do a silent retreat, though I have considered or many times. Perhaps that has changed now. Thank you for this. 🙏🙏🙏
Like a soundtrack to a wonderful film. I will be an arsenal here and disagree and annoy you likely. But what your mom thought of you does matter. At the root of it must have been love, it just came out twisted by her own damage. So you can still love her on some level. Very moving piece. I was listening to Scarlatti as I read it
Wow!! Fantastic. I've also found that every time I think 'this is the big one, the final THING', there's always more to the onion layer. But that healing you did sounds profound and permanent. I'm inspired by the possibility this reveals. May we all heal so profoundly. 🙏
Fascinating. I’ve often wondered what this kind of retreat was like and am now intrigued to try something like this in the future (when I can afford it!). So glad it was this powerful for you.
I’m so happy for your healing, Ros. I can really feel it in your writing here. And thank you for the insight about it not mattering what our mother thought of us as she was damaged. That is something I’m going to spend some time with. And I’m wishing I could afford to be a paid subscriber again so I can get the deeper insights! 💙
Thanks for sharing this. How does forgiving your mother translate to forgiving yourself for the damage you've done to your own children? Being the mother wound, as it were. Not saying you have necessarily, but referring to the fact that all mothers do and you are a mother. Just wondering if that was part of it?
The second part of that was already healed. I forgave myself for the damage my children suffered a few years ago now, recognising I was in an abusive relationship and doing the best I could under horrendous conditions. This was just the healing of the lack of my own mother’s love as described in last week’s post.
This is tremendous: “I considered how much she needed to say it for her own reasons. I recognised that it had nothing whatever to do with me.”
I so want to be able to feel this myself!
That alone was such a shift-marker. My varied responses to B from first to last were so interesting.
Glad it had such a profound and healing effect, Ros.
Me too, Wendy!
I have been wanting to do a silent retreat for a while - it sounds like it’s worth it. I’ve been circling the mother wound recently and it’s a tough one!
It really is. This one was so good; if you’re in the UK I highly recommend the Sharpham retreat.
I once did a six week trek into the mountains in Nepal and the tracks were mostly so narrow we had to walk single file and I was alone with my thoughts all day in the middle of the most stunning scenery. But there was my mind, spoiling it all. I suppose it was a chance to observe how repetitive and circular and meaningless most of my thoughts were, how full of old and present grievances, and meditations on self-justification and revenge, and at points I was so desperate for silence that I visualised ripping out my brain and throwing it away. It was probably the noisiest six weeks I ever spent because I couldn't distract myself by reading (my escape since childhood) or watching something. I've thought of doing the ten day Vipassana course a few times but I'm told it's gruelling and I'm afraid the same thing will happen again. It's good you were prepared and went with awareness and something to work on.
Vipassana retreats sound horrible. I cant imagine doing that to myself. One for the self-punishers, I think. Thanks for reading, Umi, and nice to see you here. Hope you are well!
The onion does indeed have infinite layers Ros. This magnificent essay took me on a journey, from laughter and defenses to quiet engagement with the shadow. I admit that I have never had the courage to do a silent retreat, though I have considered or many times. Perhaps that has changed now. Thank you for this. 🙏🙏🙏
My pleasure, Linnea 💜
Ohhh I really felt for the Ros with the egg behind her ear not telling anyone, that alone would have made me cry!
Pot, meet kettle - ha, love your humour.
The Mother Wound circles back around every 2-3 years for me, I’m just so grateful there’s a name for it.
Like a soundtrack to a wonderful film. I will be an arsenal here and disagree and annoy you likely. But what your mom thought of you does matter. At the root of it must have been love, it just came out twisted by her own damage. So you can still love her on some level. Very moving piece. I was listening to Scarlatti as I read it
*arse
lol
Wow!! Fantastic. I've also found that every time I think 'this is the big one, the final THING', there's always more to the onion layer. But that healing you did sounds profound and permanent. I'm inspired by the possibility this reveals. May we all heal so profoundly. 🙏
As DMHardc commented this is tremendous. There are so many wounded people in the world, imagine.......
How wonderful! Thank you for sharing. 😌
Fascinating. I’ve often wondered what this kind of retreat was like and am now intrigued to try something like this in the future (when I can afford it!). So glad it was this powerful for you.
I’m so happy for your healing, Ros. I can really feel it in your writing here. And thank you for the insight about it not mattering what our mother thought of us as she was damaged. That is something I’m going to spend some time with. And I’m wishing I could afford to be a paid subscriber again so I can get the deeper insights! 💙
This is wonderful - inspiring and valuable sharing, thank you.
Appreciate you saying so, Anya. Do feel free to share it with anyone you think will get something from it.
Thanks for sharing this. How does forgiving your mother translate to forgiving yourself for the damage you've done to your own children? Being the mother wound, as it were. Not saying you have necessarily, but referring to the fact that all mothers do and you are a mother. Just wondering if that was part of it?
The second part of that was already healed. I forgave myself for the damage my children suffered a few years ago now, recognising I was in an abusive relationship and doing the best I could under horrendous conditions. This was just the healing of the lack of my own mother’s love as described in last week’s post.
Wow, totally fascinating to hear about your experience with this kind of retreat.
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Jacqui. And appreciate you saying so.
I shouldn’t be surprised but I am finding these entries startlingly compelling - all power to this xx
Thank you, Jim. xx