Oh. I read this with visceral reactions. Mainly anger on your behalf and on behalf of all women in this toxic world. My daughter had the great fortune to attend a talk by Laura Bates at secondary school. She was able to educate me about micro aggressions. She also successfully prosecuted an employer for sexual assault when she was 19 - something I don't think I would have been brave enough to do at her age. I would have shrugged it off as "just what men do". I do have hope for the next generation, despite the current political climate.
I’m so glad to hear that your daughter is able to stand up for yourself. It was impossible for me at the same age. Laura Bates’ work is amazing. The whole world needs to wake up to this stuff.
I think I heard the band Dildos & Root Vegetables once. The smashed it!
Seriously though, I really enjoyed this. I read footnote 5 and thought, hey that’s me! Then saw knitting and got worried your husband had one up on me. Phew.
Thanks, Henny. I am surrounded by good men in my personal circle, and lightening things with humour is a valuable trait you share with my husband, too. I heard that band but felt by the second album some of them had gone a bit soft.
This is why I could never be with a man. I identify as bi but my only true relationships were with women. Men just make me nuts cuz they are either controlling or blind and clueless. I’m so glad to be 74 and not have to worry about relationship stuff anymore. I know lots of women don’t want to grow old alone but for me it’s the only way. Since I’m also mentally ill this old age stuff is quite a ride. I love learning new things about my brain and why it works the way it does. I have lived a pretty interesting life with many ups and downs and very few regrets. Of course now in the US things are going to fraught, especially if you’re old, lgbtq, and mentally ill (oh and I also have rheumatoid arthritis). We’ll see how it all plays out.
Well, I get why you say that, Bananies. My daughter is bi and is married to a woman and I'm very glad she hasn't had to deal with the classic patriarchy male-female household power struggle. A lot of men definitely fall into those two categories. I've managed to land one that is neither controlling or clueless but I remember at the time feeling despair that there might be such a thing! I am sorry you're having such a terrible bloody time in the States right now. Hunker down with the things and friends that make you happy and wait it out. It cannot possibly last.
I’m just reading “ The body is a doorway” which describes a similar experience. And reflecting on my own experience of a much less serious autoimmune disorder triggered initially by pregnancy and dismissed by doctors as IBS. 13 years of damage and increasing stress as I managed illness, two small children, a house and garden and a full time very stressful job. Finally diagnosed with Coeliac disease and life became so much easier. I’m sorry for your experiences.
Yes ! I don’t have kids but I totally agree - there has to be a huge link between women’s experiences and chronic illness. I have endometriosis and was diagnosed at 23 (I’m very lucky compared to other girls and women) but only after 12 years of visiting doctors.
Wow !! Shocking what happened with your thyroid and how you were treated. A Dr. told me how fibromyalgia and pain disorders women primarily get start in
childhood with corporal abuse. Changes the whole nervous system and how the nerves fire. We all need to be physically well. Keep informing people how sick abuse destroys another human being.
That makes total sense. You managed to find a well-informed doctor; far too many are unaware of the root causes of these chronic conditions. Yes, I will keep talking and writing about it. People need to understand why we’re living in such a sick
You are the second person this week to tell me that my writing left them with their heart pounding (from different pieces of writing). I am very glad to touch your emotions so strongly. Thank you for your comment.
Marking the silence of swallowed emotions in my throat, my eyes are leaking.We hide our burden in many places and eventually they arise loss of spark of life it’s a numbing of one’s senses Be Well Thank You
It is part of our spiritual journey? Seriously, Bill, I wouldn’t be the person I am without going through what I did and maybe wouldn’t have as many relevant things to write about in these challenging times. But I *do* wish I could clear myself of the health issue so am working to clear myself of my hatred of misogyny. Sounds hard and even undesirable, yet it is the negative emotion coursing around my body which is detrimental to my health, so worth a try.
We are all the product of our experiences. I would miss the sting of your writiing if you changed. The fact that you don't suppress that thorn in your side and it comes out in your writing is what compels me to read on. You also remind me that if I am writing about a woman who had been abused in teh past, I need to show that those wounds don't always heal. Sometimes, they become worse over time.
“Postpartum Hashimoto’s” is a thing, which has made me think about all the hormonal twists and turns that women endure. Many of the postpartum diagnoses eventually right themselves. Mine did not, so I’ve been on the levothyroxine for 18 years. That and other autoimmune responses to living in general certainly has me thinking about the life I’ve led, especially since becoming a mother at 41. Your writing is a jolt to the system, in the best way.
Thank you, Katie! I'm so glad you said that. I went to a stupid amount of trouble to make a decent recording of it, because I thought it was even better heard than read (I lost the first one). I even got an hour's coaching from my husband (I thought I was "performing" a bit too much the first time. And there is surely nothing more healing than laughter (except perhaps a good cup of tea).
Well it was worth it because I was also listening as someone who records her own newsletters thinking “I wonder what mic she used” and “She’s done a great job of making the balance between narration and natural”. One of my screenwriting gang gave me the note that mine didn’t really sound like me, and I knew she was right as I’d thought the same. It’s so hard to balance between reading clearly and also sounding like you’re speaking directly to the listener as naturally as you can.
I should add that she approved of my more recent effort! I think she liked the earlier ones too which were more slapdash. It was just the bit in the middle where I got a proper mic and started using punch and roll to make it perfect and maybe got a bit stiffer.
Easily done. I thought I had really perfected my reading technique and then when I read this to my husband he said I was using a "poetry voice" so I booked myself in for a refresher session!
That’s great. There were still some technical difficulties on the recording but I was happier with my reading, so kept it. Microphone: Rode NT1. This is the third I’ve tried and is the one I’m happiest with (ten years now). MY daughter got one too after using mine.
My husband is fantastic at this: he is basically retired now but he still does this line of work because he loves it. The only downside is he doesn’t like to work over Zoom so unless you’re in visiting distance of Brighton he’s not available. He gets clients from London sometimes but not further afield.
I used to teach a weekly creative writing group in St Leonards. You are only a hour down the road. He is stupidly cheap, and excellent to work with (the tips he gave me in a single session before we were an item turned my reading skills on their head in a good way), so if you’re ever coming over to Brighton for another reason and fancy working with him, let me know.
There is so much on here for me to wrap around. My best friend has thyroid disease so your journey is familiar. It’s a tough ride. I too have something ‘autoimmune’ which whilst I do not attribute to my partner I certainly do to living in persistent survival mode and sympathetic overdrive. Likewise my breast cancer - I deeply believe was as a result of how I met my life.
Thank you, Jacqui: yes, persistent survival mode can come out of other situations than abuse, but this is certainly the engine that drives autoimmune conditions. Most our physical can be traced back to aspects of how we meet our lives, mental and emotional aspects, when we have the wisdom to see that.
This was an important essay to read, painful and startling as it is. The best and worst part about this piece is that it forces the reader to recognize, if they haven't already, periods of their own abuse, their own dance with the patriarchal powers that would have them trapped and compliant. I know I saw echoes of my past in this piece and if you've ever questioned whether you may have been abused, you may find some echoes of your own.
We must keep talking, keep sharing, keep teaching our children what healthy relationships look like, and we can change their futures for the better.
Thank you, Fallon. I'm sorry about the pain my writing can cause. This is always how I roll it seems, pressing the pain points. But spreading the stories that helps us recognise those periods of abuse in our lives is an important part of working towards our individual freedom, which in turn, will free society. I really appreciate your comment.
As a man myself I am ashamed constantly of my gender. I don’t know what the solution is. Women do most of the early years upbringing and education. 40% of the people who voted for trump first time around were women. I’ve asked a few women I know in the UK who support Trump and they just shrug it off. It’s in our cultural DNA and all we can do is do our bit. Men shouldn’t be blamed for something that started in the early days of the church. There’s a great BBC Sounds podcast called Witches which I loved. I’ve also personally experienced that being a good Kind, man doesn’t usually get me women. I’m sweet and lovely but I’m not Alpha and aggressive and assertive. I’m Collaborative and I listen and I care. I’m a great cook, I clean, I’m attentive. I think I’m a good lover. And I want to be all those for myself not for anyone else by the way.
So guess there is hope always there is. Some of us men are out there and nope not perfect by a long way but who see the way forward and are doing their bit.
The patriarchy is an inisidious disease that affects all of us. Men and women are both responsible for recognising its tentacles and addressing them in the only place they can: their personal lives. (Unless they are in positions of power: then they can do more.) It goes back further than the Christian Church. From the research that is emerging now, these isles were pretty strong on equality (matrilinear in some tribes) until the Romans stomped in.
*Some* women are attracted by those attributes we associate with high masculinity. (I'm not one of them.) *Some* men are attracted by those attributes we associate with high femininity (my husband's not one of them). But do high masculine-trait women have to treat women like sex-dolls/domestic appliances? Is it possible they could be fully manly and still do their share of the washing up and childcare? We have set up stupid societal expectations and stereotypes. If we care about the happiness of a) the societies we live in and b) our children, it is useful to start noticing them and dismantling them. Including in ourselves.
Steve, yep, you will never appeal to a woman who wants a "Alpha" and me, I will never appeal to a man who wants a submissive woman he can push around. And frankly that's fine. Who wants that shit? Let's stick with people we can achieve a sense of equality with.
Oh. I read this with visceral reactions. Mainly anger on your behalf and on behalf of all women in this toxic world. My daughter had the great fortune to attend a talk by Laura Bates at secondary school. She was able to educate me about micro aggressions. She also successfully prosecuted an employer for sexual assault when she was 19 - something I don't think I would have been brave enough to do at her age. I would have shrugged it off as "just what men do". I do have hope for the next generation, despite the current political climate.
I’m so glad to hear that your daughter is able to stand up for yourself. It was impossible for me at the same age. Laura Bates’ work is amazing. The whole world needs to wake up to this stuff.
This was so powerful and moving, Ros. I don’t say this lightly: you’re one of the strongest and most impressive people I know.
Thank you, Chris. The strength comes purely out of surviving all this.
I think I heard the band Dildos & Root Vegetables once. The smashed it!
Seriously though, I really enjoyed this. I read footnote 5 and thought, hey that’s me! Then saw knitting and got worried your husband had one up on me. Phew.
Thanks, Henny. I am surrounded by good men in my personal circle, and lightening things with humour is a valuable trait you share with my husband, too. I heard that band but felt by the second album some of them had gone a bit soft.
Nicely done 😉
This is why I could never be with a man. I identify as bi but my only true relationships were with women. Men just make me nuts cuz they are either controlling or blind and clueless. I’m so glad to be 74 and not have to worry about relationship stuff anymore. I know lots of women don’t want to grow old alone but for me it’s the only way. Since I’m also mentally ill this old age stuff is quite a ride. I love learning new things about my brain and why it works the way it does. I have lived a pretty interesting life with many ups and downs and very few regrets. Of course now in the US things are going to fraught, especially if you’re old, lgbtq, and mentally ill (oh and I also have rheumatoid arthritis). We’ll see how it all plays out.
Well, I get why you say that, Bananies. My daughter is bi and is married to a woman and I'm very glad she hasn't had to deal with the classic patriarchy male-female household power struggle. A lot of men definitely fall into those two categories. I've managed to land one that is neither controlling or clueless but I remember at the time feeling despair that there might be such a thing! I am sorry you're having such a terrible bloody time in the States right now. Hunker down with the things and friends that make you happy and wait it out. It cannot possibly last.
I’m just reading “ The body is a doorway” which describes a similar experience. And reflecting on my own experience of a much less serious autoimmune disorder triggered initially by pregnancy and dismissed by doctors as IBS. 13 years of damage and increasing stress as I managed illness, two small children, a house and garden and a full time very stressful job. Finally diagnosed with Coeliac disease and life became so much easier. I’m sorry for your experiences.
Yes ! I don’t have kids but I totally agree - there has to be a huge link between women’s experiences and chronic illness. I have endometriosis and was diagnosed at 23 (I’m very lucky compared to other girls and women) but only after 12 years of visiting doctors.
Thank you for writing this and sharing it. It was a tough read as it should be. 💗
Thank you, Diane. I really appreciate your comment.
Wow !! Shocking what happened with your thyroid and how you were treated. A Dr. told me how fibromyalgia and pain disorders women primarily get start in
childhood with corporal abuse. Changes the whole nervous system and how the nerves fire. We all need to be physically well. Keep informing people how sick abuse destroys another human being.
That makes total sense. You managed to find a well-informed doctor; far too many are unaware of the root causes of these chronic conditions. Yes, I will keep talking and writing about it. People need to understand why we’re living in such a sick
society.
I felt this to my core and my heart is pounding but thank you, it was so worth it.
You are the second person this week to tell me that my writing left them with their heart pounding (from different pieces of writing). I am very glad to touch your emotions so strongly. Thank you for your comment.
Marking the silence of swallowed emotions in my throat, my eyes are leaking.We hide our burden in many places and eventually they arise loss of spark of life it’s a numbing of one’s senses Be Well Thank You
Thank you, Teddi. Letting them out and fully releasing them is the only way to get well.
It makes some men sick too. Why do so many women have to endure the bad ones before they find the good ones?
It is part of our spiritual journey? Seriously, Bill, I wouldn’t be the person I am without going through what I did and maybe wouldn’t have as many relevant things to write about in these challenging times. But I *do* wish I could clear myself of the health issue so am working to clear myself of my hatred of misogyny. Sounds hard and even undesirable, yet it is the negative emotion coursing around my body which is detrimental to my health, so worth a try.
We are all the product of our experiences. I would miss the sting of your writiing if you changed. The fact that you don't suppress that thorn in your side and it comes out in your writing is what compels me to read on. You also remind me that if I am writing about a woman who had been abused in teh past, I need to show that those wounds don't always heal. Sometimes, they become worse over time.
“Postpartum Hashimoto’s” is a thing, which has made me think about all the hormonal twists and turns that women endure. Many of the postpartum diagnoses eventually right themselves. Mine did not, so I’ve been on the levothyroxine for 18 years. That and other autoimmune responses to living in general certainly has me thinking about the life I’ve led, especially since becoming a mother at 41. Your writing is a jolt to the system, in the best way.
Absolutely loved listening to you you read this Ros!! It made me laugh out loud more than once. Brilliant and true
Thank you, Katie! I'm so glad you said that. I went to a stupid amount of trouble to make a decent recording of it, because I thought it was even better heard than read (I lost the first one). I even got an hour's coaching from my husband (I thought I was "performing" a bit too much the first time. And there is surely nothing more healing than laughter (except perhaps a good cup of tea).
Well it was worth it because I was also listening as someone who records her own newsletters thinking “I wonder what mic she used” and “She’s done a great job of making the balance between narration and natural”. One of my screenwriting gang gave me the note that mine didn’t really sound like me, and I knew she was right as I’d thought the same. It’s so hard to balance between reading clearly and also sounding like you’re speaking directly to the listener as naturally as you can.
I should add that she approved of my more recent effort! I think she liked the earlier ones too which were more slapdash. It was just the bit in the middle where I got a proper mic and started using punch and roll to make it perfect and maybe got a bit stiffer.
Easily done. I thought I had really perfected my reading technique and then when I read this to my husband he said I was using a "poetry voice" so I booked myself in for a refresher session!
That’s great. There were still some technical difficulties on the recording but I was happier with my reading, so kept it. Microphone: Rode NT1. This is the third I’ve tried and is the one I’m happiest with (ten years now). MY daughter got one too after using mine.
My husband is fantastic at this: he is basically retired now but he still does this line of work because he loves it. The only downside is he doesn’t like to work over Zoom so unless you’re in visiting distance of Brighton he’s not available. He gets clients from London sometimes but not further afield.
I'm in St Leonards so I will definitely bear that in mind!!
I used to teach a weekly creative writing group in St Leonards. You are only a hour down the road. He is stupidly cheap, and excellent to work with (the tips he gave me in a single session before we were an item turned my reading skills on their head in a good way), so if you’re ever coming over to Brighton for another reason and fancy working with him, let me know.
There is so much on here for me to wrap around. My best friend has thyroid disease so your journey is familiar. It’s a tough ride. I too have something ‘autoimmune’ which whilst I do not attribute to my partner I certainly do to living in persistent survival mode and sympathetic overdrive. Likewise my breast cancer - I deeply believe was as a result of how I met my life.
Such a powerful piece. Thabk you Ros 🙏🏻
Thank you, Jacqui: yes, persistent survival mode can come out of other situations than abuse, but this is certainly the engine that drives autoimmune conditions. Most our physical can be traced back to aspects of how we meet our lives, mental and emotional aspects, when we have the wisdom to see that.
It all makes sense now.
Unfortunately, the stressors never stop.
This was an important essay to read, painful and startling as it is. The best and worst part about this piece is that it forces the reader to recognize, if they haven't already, periods of their own abuse, their own dance with the patriarchal powers that would have them trapped and compliant. I know I saw echoes of my past in this piece and if you've ever questioned whether you may have been abused, you may find some echoes of your own.
We must keep talking, keep sharing, keep teaching our children what healthy relationships look like, and we can change their futures for the better.
Thank you, Fallon. I'm sorry about the pain my writing can cause. This is always how I roll it seems, pressing the pain points. But spreading the stories that helps us recognise those periods of abuse in our lives is an important part of working towards our individual freedom, which in turn, will free society. I really appreciate your comment.
As a man myself I am ashamed constantly of my gender. I don’t know what the solution is. Women do most of the early years upbringing and education. 40% of the people who voted for trump first time around were women. I’ve asked a few women I know in the UK who support Trump and they just shrug it off. It’s in our cultural DNA and all we can do is do our bit. Men shouldn’t be blamed for something that started in the early days of the church. There’s a great BBC Sounds podcast called Witches which I loved. I’ve also personally experienced that being a good Kind, man doesn’t usually get me women. I’m sweet and lovely but I’m not Alpha and aggressive and assertive. I’m Collaborative and I listen and I care. I’m a great cook, I clean, I’m attentive. I think I’m a good lover. And I want to be all those for myself not for anyone else by the way.
So guess there is hope always there is. Some of us men are out there and nope not perfect by a long way but who see the way forward and are doing their bit.
The patriarchy is an inisidious disease that affects all of us. Men and women are both responsible for recognising its tentacles and addressing them in the only place they can: their personal lives. (Unless they are in positions of power: then they can do more.) It goes back further than the Christian Church. From the research that is emerging now, these isles were pretty strong on equality (matrilinear in some tribes) until the Romans stomped in.
*Some* women are attracted by those attributes we associate with high masculinity. (I'm not one of them.) *Some* men are attracted by those attributes we associate with high femininity (my husband's not one of them). But do high masculine-trait women have to treat women like sex-dolls/domestic appliances? Is it possible they could be fully manly and still do their share of the washing up and childcare? We have set up stupid societal expectations and stereotypes. If we care about the happiness of a) the societies we live in and b) our children, it is useful to start noticing them and dismantling them. Including in ourselves.
Steve, yep, you will never appeal to a woman who wants a "Alpha" and me, I will never appeal to a man who wants a submissive woman he can push around. And frankly that's fine. Who wants that shit? Let's stick with people we can achieve a sense of equality with.