So much in this piece, Ros. 👏🏼❤️🙏🏼I’m an inner child specialist and know well all the pains and defensive protective patterns you describe, mostly through my clients. You articulate them so well. OMG. Thank you for your vulnerability and gifts that are shared with us here❤️🙏🏼
I had a whole paragraph ready to go on how women are trained as girls to be givers rather than receivers, but in the flow of writing this piece it didn't seem to fit my own particular circumstances. As a tomboy, I rebelled against that stuff from day dot! Did telling yourself to relax work at all, Patti?
I think a lot of women have a hard time receiving. In all walks of life we are expected to give. As a wife, a mother, a daughter, a worker. Our needs become "what needs?". I've recently started to prioritise my needs more. The slow walk home from the bus. The lie in at a weekend. The expectation that my husband will help with the housework and I won't feel guilty about chasing him to do his bit. It seems to help.
I agree. We are trained early that our role in life is to give, not receive. As a tomboy, I rebelled against that, but still the lack of receiving (perhaps strengthened due to my rebellion) has taken its toll. My second husband is very giving and has taught me to receive from him, at least. He cooks for me and does a lot of housework. But the tendency to be self-sufficient is hard-wired in most ways.
Solidarity, Moorea. This self-protective self-sufficiency is hard.
I wouldn’t call my mother cold; she was warm in many ways, and widely loved, for all her flaws. But she’d been damaged by her own mother, and modelled that a little. Also — maybe due to being raised in the war, and certainly due to being told it herself as a child, alongside a little wishful thinking — she believed that children were resilient. She thought challenges like getting home 300 miles in the snow without money would be ‘good for me’, educational. (We hitchhiked back). She didn’t seem at all protective of me, though, and I definitely read it as a lack of love.
Ros, I was wondering... Do you think your mother's reaction could've been partly to do with your stepdad? He's limiting your food, nourishment, etc so could she have been thinking that he wouldn't like her driving all that way, or *he* wouldn't like doing it, so she couldn't help because of him?
I've sometimes wondered if my mum has been distant from me because she doesn't want to hear my stepdad say no to driving up to see me (she left when I was 10 and my dad raised my brother and me). She's got this idea that, "Helen does whatever she likes, she's independent," and it actually saddens me because I'm not really. If anything, I've had to become "independent" (self-sufficient). I would like more of my mum but she's created a "script", as my counsellor would say, so she can safely file away any urge to... Help? Visit? It seems like quite a convenient script, tbh. :-/
Berkeley CA? You'd have been in Zodiac territory. Can't remember when you left the US. Probably wrong.
Anyway it always amazes me how different each person's sex history is. For instance, my 1st time out I got crabs. Made me hesitant. I needed lots of kisses to get further in the mood for a few years after. Many wonderful experiences later tho
Sorry I will now have to put you on the suspect list 😉. In fact one popular suspect is an architect who was teaching at Berkeley. He is innocent but definitely has connections.The 4 canonical attacks occurred between December 20th, 1968 and October 11th, 1969. There’s also Donna Lass, a nurse who disappeared from South Lake Tahoe in September of 1970. I've just written a short article mentioning this victim (they've only recently id’d her skull) if you're interested. Titled: JFK, RFK, Z and Sam G. I loved your article. So daring, healing. Still teaching others how to write well
Oh Ros, I'm absolutely with you on so much of what you describe... I truly wish I was in a position to make even a small donation, but right now, your description of endless, bottomless debt rings very true..... One day. In the meantime, I hope better times will come your way 🙏🙏
Your comment is donation enough! It has been an unusually hard week. I applied for Universal Credit on Monday and it has brought great feelings of shame and failure. I’ve been so fiercely proud of supporting myself and my family single-handed for all these years. But life goes in cycles; hopefully I am not too far from a turnaround.
Ros, I really relate to your article. My parents divorced when I was 8, and both moved in with new partners straight away. I learned to be very quiet and very small to the extent that one weekend at my Dad and Stepmom’s house (they had two young sons, too), I told no one that I had a stomach bug and was being sick frequently. I cleaned it up myself. I was probably around 13. I over ate and was fat so I was invisible because of that. Then I shrank in size and ended up with anorexia. I felt invisible, and still do to a certain extent, but then I feel resentful when no one notices me even though I don’t like being seen.
I wish you the best of luck with the DWP. Dealing with that department can feel like dealing with a brick wall ❤️🙏❤️
How kind. We have just had to borrow money from a family member... I understand 🙏😊. I dislike the expression 'this too shall pass' but it's true nevertheless... Hopefully a turn around is coming soon.
I bought my ex-wife a massage and aromatherapy session at a local parlour. Full body, half day thing. Sauna. Facial. Everything a side street salon would do rather than a residential weekend job. Couldn't afford that much. But it was a birthday present. And two vouchers so she could take a friend (they had a BOGOF so...)
She thought it was incredibly sensitive and generous of me. She enjoyed it thoroughly.
I knew she would. She's into these things.
She decided to return the favour for my birthday. Voucher for a massage etc. same place. She'd asked if they did men.
I'm not an ungrateful receiver. She's the awkward one. Blows up if the gift falls short of her mood that day.
But I gave her the voucher to use herself. It's not my thing at all. And what's worse it was just the one voucher. The offer wasn't on when she bought it. So I ended up paying for a second voucher so she could take her mate again. And I had to do this to make up for offending her by refusing a gift.
Just what happened there? I still can't figure it.
What happened there sounds like the lack of communication that made her more suitable to being your ex! You’ve got her something that you knew she would like. But she didn’t understand that you’re a very different person and that kind of thing isn’t your bag. My husband and I have conversations all the time about the things I like and he doesn’t and vice versa. That way, mistakes like this never get made. Sorry you had to pay twice!
So much resonance, Ros. I recognise myself in so much of this, especially the sex. Receiving feels too out of control when I’m at my most vulnerable, I’m sure tied to physical and sexual abuse. I am always on guard and I am always concentrating on micro movements.
As I mentioned to you, my start in a German hospital run by nuns, premature, with no mother there, definitely did a number on my needs being ignored and learning not to ask.
Thank you for such great insight into this connection with receiving. 🙏🏼
"Do you remember the last time you were fully blended with joy as a child?"
This question made me pause in a way I didn't expect. My childhood was economically comfortable, I had the things I needed and wanted, and I was called spoiled for the life I'd been born into. But my dad was not an emotionally safe person, and I had undiagnosed ADHD which made school a nightmare at times. But I did also have lots of joy in my childhood. I've had the same group of friends since kindergarten, and honestly they filled the gaps in my upbringing and helped me deconstruct the wrong and toxic things my father taught me. I'm still close with them (as close as we can be as busy adults in different states), and they have always been a source of joy. I've always experienced intense joy as well as intense emotional pain, and I think that's one of the main reasons I was diagnosed bipolar. I'm not sure about that diagnosis anymore, now that I see the big picture and how my neurodivergence is a major player. I just feel things really intensely, and that resulted in a lot of conflict in my life, as far back as I can remember. So when I think about the last time I was FULLY blended with joy, I don't think that time ever existed. There were times of immense joy, but they alternated with a lot of pain. And that's something I've only just begun to feel comfortable saying in recent years. I was told that my childhood was perfect, so I never questioned it until I started connecting the dots around what wired my brain.
I became hyper-independent without realizing it. I didn't know how much I hated asking for help, until I really needed it. It's easier to ask my friends for help at this point than it is to ask my family, because my friends don't attach a price tag of shame and guilt. My father made me hyper-aware of how people might analyze my spending if I owed them money, and it made me feel physically ill when I started having to borrow. I apologized to my best friend for getting my nails done when I still owed her money from a trip we took together, and she thought that was ridiculous. She wanted me to continue living my life and not groveling. But my dad used to talk so much shit on my brother's purchases because he owed them money, and that wired me to expect the same from everyone. I have to perform complete austerity for my father to think I deserve any help. So I don't ask for help unless I desperately need it, and I ask the safe people first. My family made me feel so shitty last time they helped, that this time around I didn't even tell them I'd changed jobs and gotten evicted until after I was already safe in my new apartment after a couple days without a home. It is just not worth it to hear their feedback. It really set me back last time; it took days for me to get over it and back to functioning as best I could. That's too high a cost.
Anyway I think I'm rambling now, but I can definitely relate. ❤️
Amen, sister. I can relate to every word. I learned very very young not to rely on anyone but me. And it’s exhausting after a while. My spine is literally an “S” from carrying everything so young. A hereditary issue, found right at puberty — but I already had the deep knowledge that it ain’t just biology that causes stuff like that. And I get massages regularly with a woman whose hands and voice often make me cry into the face cradle.
I once cried to my husband as my kids started flying the nest more often, “Do you think our kids will wanna hang out with us when they’re grown?” Months later, as my oldest son fielded text messages during family dinner, he told us a lot of his friends felt frantic every time there was a long break from school because it meant being stuck at home with their parents (hello, kindred souls). He felt bad for them, and was trying to reassure them. “I actually like hanging out with my family,” he admitted to us, shrugging. I cried even harder then. Later, of course. And alone. Accompanied by great joy and relief.
Oh yes. In my psychotherapy training we had a regular session called "Needs met." The idea was to make a request of the other two in a trio for a head massage or a song or for a story or whatever you desired. And then to give and receive. I remember trying to think of something they would like to give rather than what I really wanted. It didn't feel safe to ask for my desire in case it was denied.
So much in this piece, Ros. 👏🏼❤️🙏🏼I’m an inner child specialist and know well all the pains and defensive protective patterns you describe, mostly through my clients. You articulate them so well. OMG. Thank you for your vulnerability and gifts that are shared with us here❤️🙏🏼
Thank you, Anne. It feels important to articulate the tough stuff that so many of us go through.
I do have a hard time receiving. Then just recently I told myself just relax. He has no problem receiving. Why not me? Big difference
I had a whole paragraph ready to go on how women are trained as girls to be givers rather than receivers, but in the flow of writing this piece it didn't seem to fit my own particular circumstances. As a tomboy, I rebelled against that stuff from day dot! Did telling yourself to relax work at all, Patti?
Yes. I have to keep telling myself it’s ok. It’s ok….
Next time I’m asked why being a massage therapist can feel like a gift, I’ll send them this essay. Glad you were in excellent hands.
Me too. It’s important work.
I think a lot of women have a hard time receiving. In all walks of life we are expected to give. As a wife, a mother, a daughter, a worker. Our needs become "what needs?". I've recently started to prioritise my needs more. The slow walk home from the bus. The lie in at a weekend. The expectation that my husband will help with the housework and I won't feel guilty about chasing him to do his bit. It seems to help.
I agree. We are trained early that our role in life is to give, not receive. As a tomboy, I rebelled against that, but still the lack of receiving (perhaps strengthened due to my rebellion) has taken its toll. My second husband is very giving and has taught me to receive from him, at least. He cooks for me and does a lot of housework. But the tendency to be self-sufficient is hard-wired in most ways.
"Feeling you have no value is not something you want reinforced. So you learn not to ask." 🤯Totally identify.
And that is cruel to refuse to help one's 16-year-old daughter. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a cold mother.
Solidarity, Moorea. This self-protective self-sufficiency is hard.
I wouldn’t call my mother cold; she was warm in many ways, and widely loved, for all her flaws. But she’d been damaged by her own mother, and modelled that a little. Also — maybe due to being raised in the war, and certainly due to being told it herself as a child, alongside a little wishful thinking — she believed that children were resilient. She thought challenges like getting home 300 miles in the snow without money would be ‘good for me’, educational. (We hitchhiked back). She didn’t seem at all protective of me, though, and I definitely read it as a lack of love.
Ros, I was wondering... Do you think your mother's reaction could've been partly to do with your stepdad? He's limiting your food, nourishment, etc so could she have been thinking that he wouldn't like her driving all that way, or *he* wouldn't like doing it, so she couldn't help because of him?
I've sometimes wondered if my mum has been distant from me because she doesn't want to hear my stepdad say no to driving up to see me (she left when I was 10 and my dad raised my brother and me). She's got this idea that, "Helen does whatever she likes, she's independent," and it actually saddens me because I'm not really. If anything, I've had to become "independent" (self-sufficient). I would like more of my mum but she's created a "script", as my counsellor would say, so she can safely file away any urge to... Help? Visit? It seems like quite a convenient script, tbh. :-/
That’s very perceptive of you, Helen, and certainly possible. Ah, what a familiar sounding script your mother had too!
Berkeley CA? You'd have been in Zodiac territory. Can't remember when you left the US. Probably wrong.
Anyway it always amazes me how different each person's sex history is. For instance, my 1st time out I got crabs. Made me hesitant. I needed lots of kisses to get further in the mood for a few years after. Many wonderful experiences later tho
Ooh, that’s a nasty first experience, Carl! Yes, we lived in Berkeley in 1970-1. Is that the Zodiac era?
Sorry I will now have to put you on the suspect list 😉. In fact one popular suspect is an architect who was teaching at Berkeley. He is innocent but definitely has connections.The 4 canonical attacks occurred between December 20th, 1968 and October 11th, 1969. There’s also Donna Lass, a nurse who disappeared from South Lake Tahoe in September of 1970. I've just written a short article mentioning this victim (they've only recently id’d her skull) if you're interested. Titled: JFK, RFK, Z and Sam G. I loved your article. So daring, healing. Still teaching others how to write well
Thank you, Carl. You are so appreciated.
Oh Ros, I'm absolutely with you on so much of what you describe... I truly wish I was in a position to make even a small donation, but right now, your description of endless, bottomless debt rings very true..... One day. In the meantime, I hope better times will come your way 🙏🙏
Your comment is donation enough! It has been an unusually hard week. I applied for Universal Credit on Monday and it has brought great feelings of shame and failure. I’ve been so fiercely proud of supporting myself and my family single-handed for all these years. But life goes in cycles; hopefully I am not too far from a turnaround.
Ros, I really relate to your article. My parents divorced when I was 8, and both moved in with new partners straight away. I learned to be very quiet and very small to the extent that one weekend at my Dad and Stepmom’s house (they had two young sons, too), I told no one that I had a stomach bug and was being sick frequently. I cleaned it up myself. I was probably around 13. I over ate and was fat so I was invisible because of that. Then I shrank in size and ended up with anorexia. I felt invisible, and still do to a certain extent, but then I feel resentful when no one notices me even though I don’t like being seen.
I wish you the best of luck with the DWP. Dealing with that department can feel like dealing with a brick wall ❤️🙏❤️
How kind. We have just had to borrow money from a family member... I understand 🙏😊. I dislike the expression 'this too shall pass' but it's true nevertheless... Hopefully a turn around is coming soon.
I bought my ex-wife a massage and aromatherapy session at a local parlour. Full body, half day thing. Sauna. Facial. Everything a side street salon would do rather than a residential weekend job. Couldn't afford that much. But it was a birthday present. And two vouchers so she could take a friend (they had a BOGOF so...)
She thought it was incredibly sensitive and generous of me. She enjoyed it thoroughly.
I knew she would. She's into these things.
She decided to return the favour for my birthday. Voucher for a massage etc. same place. She'd asked if they did men.
I'm not an ungrateful receiver. She's the awkward one. Blows up if the gift falls short of her mood that day.
But I gave her the voucher to use herself. It's not my thing at all. And what's worse it was just the one voucher. The offer wasn't on when she bought it. So I ended up paying for a second voucher so she could take her mate again. And I had to do this to make up for offending her by refusing a gift.
Just what happened there? I still can't figure it.
What happened there sounds like the lack of communication that made her more suitable to being your ex! You’ve got her something that you knew she would like. But she didn’t understand that you’re a very different person and that kind of thing isn’t your bag. My husband and I have conversations all the time about the things I like and he doesn’t and vice versa. That way, mistakes like this never get made. Sorry you had to pay twice!
In her mind, she liked it therefore it's good and other people will like it. For a spiritualist and Reiki practitioner she has little empathy.
So much resonance, Ros. I recognise myself in so much of this, especially the sex. Receiving feels too out of control when I’m at my most vulnerable, I’m sure tied to physical and sexual abuse. I am always on guard and I am always concentrating on micro movements.
As I mentioned to you, my start in a German hospital run by nuns, premature, with no mother there, definitely did a number on my needs being ignored and learning not to ask.
Thank you for such great insight into this connection with receiving. 🙏🏼
"Do you remember the last time you were fully blended with joy as a child?"
This question made me pause in a way I didn't expect. My childhood was economically comfortable, I had the things I needed and wanted, and I was called spoiled for the life I'd been born into. But my dad was not an emotionally safe person, and I had undiagnosed ADHD which made school a nightmare at times. But I did also have lots of joy in my childhood. I've had the same group of friends since kindergarten, and honestly they filled the gaps in my upbringing and helped me deconstruct the wrong and toxic things my father taught me. I'm still close with them (as close as we can be as busy adults in different states), and they have always been a source of joy. I've always experienced intense joy as well as intense emotional pain, and I think that's one of the main reasons I was diagnosed bipolar. I'm not sure about that diagnosis anymore, now that I see the big picture and how my neurodivergence is a major player. I just feel things really intensely, and that resulted in a lot of conflict in my life, as far back as I can remember. So when I think about the last time I was FULLY blended with joy, I don't think that time ever existed. There were times of immense joy, but they alternated with a lot of pain. And that's something I've only just begun to feel comfortable saying in recent years. I was told that my childhood was perfect, so I never questioned it until I started connecting the dots around what wired my brain.
I became hyper-independent without realizing it. I didn't know how much I hated asking for help, until I really needed it. It's easier to ask my friends for help at this point than it is to ask my family, because my friends don't attach a price tag of shame and guilt. My father made me hyper-aware of how people might analyze my spending if I owed them money, and it made me feel physically ill when I started having to borrow. I apologized to my best friend for getting my nails done when I still owed her money from a trip we took together, and she thought that was ridiculous. She wanted me to continue living my life and not groveling. But my dad used to talk so much shit on my brother's purchases because he owed them money, and that wired me to expect the same from everyone. I have to perform complete austerity for my father to think I deserve any help. So I don't ask for help unless I desperately need it, and I ask the safe people first. My family made me feel so shitty last time they helped, that this time around I didn't even tell them I'd changed jobs and gotten evicted until after I was already safe in my new apartment after a couple days without a home. It is just not worth it to hear their feedback. It really set me back last time; it took days for me to get over it and back to functioning as best I could. That's too high a cost.
Anyway I think I'm rambling now, but I can definitely relate. ❤️
Ooft this one hit close to home 😳👏🏼
Amen, sister. I can relate to every word. I learned very very young not to rely on anyone but me. And it’s exhausting after a while. My spine is literally an “S” from carrying everything so young. A hereditary issue, found right at puberty — but I already had the deep knowledge that it ain’t just biology that causes stuff like that. And I get massages regularly with a woman whose hands and voice often make me cry into the face cradle.
I once cried to my husband as my kids started flying the nest more often, “Do you think our kids will wanna hang out with us when they’re grown?” Months later, as my oldest son fielded text messages during family dinner, he told us a lot of his friends felt frantic every time there was a long break from school because it meant being stuck at home with their parents (hello, kindred souls). He felt bad for them, and was trying to reassure them. “I actually like hanging out with my family,” he admitted to us, shrugging. I cried even harder then. Later, of course. And alone. Accompanied by great joy and relief.
Oh yes. In my psychotherapy training we had a regular session called "Needs met." The idea was to make a request of the other two in a trio for a head massage or a song or for a story or whatever you desired. And then to give and receive. I remember trying to think of something they would like to give rather than what I really wanted. It didn't feel safe to ask for my desire in case it was denied.