"The power within us is infinitely connected to the world at large and affects it directly. Too subtle to be measured, except by its effects. And it can change everything, and anything."
This is a spectacularly wise piece, thank you. When I was in the thick of dealing with a coercively controlling relationship, I felt so alone with it. Only when I was out the other side did it become clear how incredibly common it is. As you say, we live in an abusive society. But to say abused women are ahead of the evolutionary curve puts a whole new spin on it entirely. I'll take that!
Thank you, Helena. I didn't even know, when I was in mine, that it *was* coercive control because the term was a few years off being invented, and the pattern identified. But I fairly swiftly, after leaving, met a police surgeon who said, "Oh yes, that's a known personality type". It has only been since sharing my stories about that marriage on Substack, and reading feminist writers here, that I have realised how insanely common it is. And truly, do take that whole new spin. We are so much better equipped for the coming world than we realise.
I hope this text reaches more people. As a woman who has been in abusive relationships, as well as being a victim of sexual assault, I dare say that I resonate a lot with your point of view. I also thought about the family model - that when we see something from a young age, we often take it for granted, and this sometimes brings with it additional trauma. It's time for the stigma to be broken! I refuse to be a trainer of men on how to behave with women. I refuse to have to be a re-educator in this society, because instead of teaching our daughters not to wear short skirts, somewhere there maybe they should have been taught why it is necessary to talk about trauma, why it is necessary to take measures.. Because I don't want my daughter or my son to come to me in years to come and say "Mom, I was raped". I don't want anyone to go through this nightmare.
The more we talk openly about the trauma we’ve bern through, the more the stigma is broken. These patterns need to change, and we must educate our sons and daughters by talking about trauma openly. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hey Ros, I remember hearing it described as an 'interregnum period' where there is going to be transition and we don't yet know what will evolve. I was listening to an effervescent optimist speak, so he was hoping that our systems of democracies would evolve into something more effective, rather than descend into authoritarianism.
We certainly don't know what will evolve in terms of societal or political change, and I fear some suprising countries (not least the USA) have already descended into authoritarianism, and that this therefore must be a necessary part of the journey to spark deep change. But the evolution of each of us as individuals cannot be avoided when we are in such trouble en masse. And the form that will take seems to me somewhat clearer, in that I have already journeyed some way through it due to my ahead-of-the-curve personal challenges (and know othrs who have too).
Thank you for the essay, it was really helpful, wise, particularly for me the bit about men using women to solve their problems; a bear trap that is easy to fall in to.
Thanks, Steve. Yes, it must be terribly easy to fall into that one. Firstly, it is just a very common pattern, secondly, women are programmed to be helpful and supportive, and thirdly, who doesn't, when it is offered, choose the easier path! Great to get some self-awareness and challenge that, though.
Ros, this was searing, brilliant, and beautifully written — that line about “women being plot devices” gutted me. You captured both the grief and the power of transformation with such precision. As someone who rebuilt herself after being torn down (and came out lighter, too), I felt every word. The evolutionary metaphor is spot on — consciousness as adaptation. What a fierce, necessary piece. -Kelly
Thank you, Kelly. I appreciate your words. There are so many of us who have rebuilt ourselves after being torn down, and have now found our power. I feel so hardened by the responses to this piece. It feels like there is an army of us.
Thank you, Ros — I felt that too. Your piece resonated so deeply because it reminded so many of us that strength can be rebuilt, and that healing is its own quiet form of defiance. It really does feel like an army — powerful, resilient, and finally standing tall together. -Kelly
This is so prescient and timely Ros, thank you. It is time to let the light in, indeed. And men can take care of themselves or they can be alone. I'm going to go reread this more slowly.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say "all autoimmune diseases are due to abuse", Cheryl, though I completely understand why you would want to ensure people realise that isn't the case. Of course it isn't. However, it is true that a very large number of abused women develop autoimmune diseases, and that for those women, their disease process is triggered first while in those abusive relationships.
I also think it's fair to say that society itself (in the patriarchal form that we have it) is innately abusive to women. We don't have to experience an abusive marriage (or other relationship) in order to suffer a great deal of abuse (from street harrassment to career unfairness to every day sexism and beyond) just for being women.
And since we are also socialised to blame ourselves (and society blames us too, for just about everything) it would not be surprising if the prevalence of autoimmune diseases in women is linked to forms of internal self-attack, whether we are lucky enough to be with a kind husband or not. I am with a kind husband now, too, incidentally.
“A man attaches himself to woman -- not to enjoy her, but to enjoy himself. ”
― Simone de Beauvoir
Great post, Ros. Thank you. xo
Great quote, Nan! I do wish I’d read Simone de Beauvoir in my early 20s. Never out of date.
"The power within us is infinitely connected to the world at large and affects it directly. Too subtle to be measured, except by its effects. And it can change everything, and anything."
I'm hanging onto this fiercely. Thank you.
The power is all yours, Nica, truly.
This is a spectacularly wise piece, thank you. When I was in the thick of dealing with a coercively controlling relationship, I felt so alone with it. Only when I was out the other side did it become clear how incredibly common it is. As you say, we live in an abusive society. But to say abused women are ahead of the evolutionary curve puts a whole new spin on it entirely. I'll take that!
Thank you, Helena. I didn't even know, when I was in mine, that it *was* coercive control because the term was a few years off being invented, and the pattern identified. But I fairly swiftly, after leaving, met a police surgeon who said, "Oh yes, that's a known personality type". It has only been since sharing my stories about that marriage on Substack, and reading feminist writers here, that I have realised how insanely common it is. And truly, do take that whole new spin. We are so much better equipped for the coming world than we realise.
One little like is a small price to pay for this wisdom and encouragement. So I'm upping the ante to a subscription.
Thank you, Wendy, both for your comment and your subscription 💜
I hope this text reaches more people. As a woman who has been in abusive relationships, as well as being a victim of sexual assault, I dare say that I resonate a lot with your point of view. I also thought about the family model - that when we see something from a young age, we often take it for granted, and this sometimes brings with it additional trauma. It's time for the stigma to be broken! I refuse to be a trainer of men on how to behave with women. I refuse to have to be a re-educator in this society, because instead of teaching our daughters not to wear short skirts, somewhere there maybe they should have been taught why it is necessary to talk about trauma, why it is necessary to take measures.. Because I don't want my daughter or my son to come to me in years to come and say "Mom, I was raped". I don't want anyone to go through this nightmare.
The more we talk openly about the trauma we’ve bern through, the more the stigma is broken. These patterns need to change, and we must educate our sons and daughters by talking about trauma openly. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you. I always appreciate your posts and they stay with me all day - often longer.
One ‘like’ is indeed a small price to pay. I’ll be subscribing next month.
Hey Ros, I remember hearing it described as an 'interregnum period' where there is going to be transition and we don't yet know what will evolve. I was listening to an effervescent optimist speak, so he was hoping that our systems of democracies would evolve into something more effective, rather than descend into authoritarianism.
We certainly don't know what will evolve in terms of societal or political change, and I fear some suprising countries (not least the USA) have already descended into authoritarianism, and that this therefore must be a necessary part of the journey to spark deep change. But the evolution of each of us as individuals cannot be avoided when we are in such trouble en masse. And the form that will take seems to me somewhat clearer, in that I have already journeyed some way through it due to my ahead-of-the-curve personal challenges (and know othrs who have too).
Thank you for the essay, it was really helpful, wise, particularly for me the bit about men using women to solve their problems; a bear trap that is easy to fall in to.
Thanks, Steve. Yes, it must be terribly easy to fall into that one. Firstly, it is just a very common pattern, secondly, women are programmed to be helpful and supportive, and thirdly, who doesn't, when it is offered, choose the easier path! Great to get some self-awareness and challenge that, though.
Ros, this was searing, brilliant, and beautifully written — that line about “women being plot devices” gutted me. You captured both the grief and the power of transformation with such precision. As someone who rebuilt herself after being torn down (and came out lighter, too), I felt every word. The evolutionary metaphor is spot on — consciousness as adaptation. What a fierce, necessary piece. -Kelly
Thank you, Kelly. I appreciate your words. There are so many of us who have rebuilt ourselves after being torn down, and have now found our power. I feel so hardened by the responses to this piece. It feels like there is an army of us.
Thank you, Ros — I felt that too. Your piece resonated so deeply because it reminded so many of us that strength can be rebuilt, and that healing is its own quiet form of defiance. It really does feel like an army — powerful, resilient, and finally standing tall together. -Kelly
This is so prescient and timely Ros, thank you. It is time to let the light in, indeed. And men can take care of themselves or they can be alone. I'm going to go reread this more slowly.
dope, thanks
Enjoy your trip, and fam
Looking forward to it, Carl 💜
I'm pretty sure I didn't say "all autoimmune diseases are due to abuse", Cheryl, though I completely understand why you would want to ensure people realise that isn't the case. Of course it isn't. However, it is true that a very large number of abused women develop autoimmune diseases, and that for those women, their disease process is triggered first while in those abusive relationships.
I also think it's fair to say that society itself (in the patriarchal form that we have it) is innately abusive to women. We don't have to experience an abusive marriage (or other relationship) in order to suffer a great deal of abuse (from street harrassment to career unfairness to every day sexism and beyond) just for being women.
And since we are also socialised to blame ourselves (and society blames us too, for just about everything) it would not be surprising if the prevalence of autoimmune diseases in women is linked to forms of internal self-attack, whether we are lucky enough to be with a kind husband or not. I am with a kind husband now, too, incidentally.